Town Hall Questions for Dummies

As Political Machine's David Knowles reported yesterday, at a recent Hillary Clinton rally in Newton, Iowa, 19-year-old college student Muriel Gallo-Chasanoff was approached by a member of the New York Senator's 2008 Presidential campaign staff and asked if she'd ask the following question:

Q. "As an interstate truck driver, I'm worried about the conservative leanings of the nation's highest court. How can we instigate a more philosophical balance?"

Which turned out to be the wrong question. After flipping through his binder, he handed her this one:

Q. "As a young person, I'm worried about the long-term effects of global warming. How does your plan combat climate change?"


After making the national headlines, Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff (of the Louisville Gallo-Chasanoffs) wants the truth to come out, saying that planting questions is downright "dishonest." Originally, she says, she was asked to ask a question about energy policy, to which she agreed. However, the staffer did not trust her to ask a question that would jive with Clinton's position. The question he pulled from his binder was labeled "College Student." It was tucked right behind another question labeled "Cage Fighter."

In spite of Sen. Clinton's denial of involvement, Ms. Gallo-Chasanoff says, "I don't know whether Hillary knew what my question was going to be, but it seemed like she knew to call on me because there were so many people, and...I was the only college student in that area."

People, this is a serious problem. And it points to one thing: We, as Americans, lack the ability to ask constructive, sound-bite generating questions. I myself attended a political rally several years ago, raised my hand, stood up and boldly asked, "I like turtles." And I still hate myself for it.

But we here at Political Machine have thought long and hard about our stance. Rather than fan the flames like Barack Obama -- who yesterday joked that the questions he fields are never planted -- we'd rather craft a solution.

Town Hall Questions for Dummies

Now, listen. These political campaigns are not a joke. A U.S. Senator, a former New York City Mayor, a... whatever Mike Gravel is... do not mess around. When they call on you, you had better not waste their time with Alaskan pipelines or nuclear proliferation or drilling for oil in Israel when in fact "universal health care" and "transparency in the legislative process" are on the hot sheet.

Therefore, if you're packing your American flag, Foam Finger, Igloo cooler and applying "McGovern '72" buttons to your vest, you might want to consider taking a few fertile questions to your next political rally. We offer these in good faith:

John Edwards

Q. As a hedge fund manager, I'm concerned about education. Are you from a small town?

Barack Obama

Q. As a stay-at-home mom, I'm worried about the increase in health care costs. Can you recommend a good vacation spot in or around San Diego?

Mitt Romney

Q. As a Hooters waitress, I regret our country's rejection of the Kyoto Protocol. That's all. Go Buckeyes!

Hillary Clinton

Q. As an Opthalmologist, I'm concerned about the national deficit. Will there be a singing Mama Cass wax figure at the Woodstock Museum? Hope so.

B. Brandon Barker is the author of the novel Operation EMU.