Romney and Obama Win 'TV Guide Primary'

I know I've been a little bit harsh in judging media coverage of fluffy Presidential campaign issues like haircuts, tipcups, and witches predicting the election. I may have even been a tad smug and superior. So it is with humble regret that I apologize for all of my unkind implications, and beg you to take this one seriously. This one is important.

According to this report from Media Bistro, the top presidential candidates shared their favorite television shows with TV Guide, for the magazine's December 3 issue. At first blush, this may not seem like earth-shattering stuff, but I remember well the revelation that "Tron" was Al Gore's favorite movie, and the disaster that it portended. We ignore this issue at our peril.

We should keep in mind that these are politicians. They may well be telling us what shows they want us to think are their favorites. I know I seldom cop to my "Ugly Betty" affinity in public. With that in mind, let's break down some of the candidates' choices, plus if we smell a rat, we'll try to figure out what their real choice should have been. Based on all of this information, we'll declare a winner of the TV Guide Primary.

Hillary Clinton: HGTV makeover shows, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol, and Dancing with the Stars, all-time TV favorite is The Ed Sullivan Show.

Analysis: Hilllary is trying to soften her image. I don't believe it for a second. And Ed Sullivan as her all-time favorite? Who's nomination is she running for, the Whig party's?

Real Faves: Dog: The Bounty Hunter, 24, and The Unit.

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Barack Obama: Favorite TV character of all time is "SpongeBob SquarePants, because SpongeBob is the show I watch with my daughters."; Favorite TV shows of all time are M*A*S*H and The Wire.

Analysis: I like Barack's picks, and even though that Spongebob answer sounds like a pander to "family values" voters, I look at his recent admissions of reefer use and I believe him. Have you actually watched Spongebob? He gets high marks for The Wire, which is the Best Show on Television, and here's hoping he takes a page from Omar's book and begins to inspire abject panic in his competitors. I've got to deduct a point, however, for the cliched and predictable selection of M*A*S*H. He might as well have said "Donahue." I think Barack's sunny, hopeful public persona conceals a deeper, more complex psyche.

Real Fave: Dexter

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John Edwards: Fan of Boston Legal ; guilty viewing pleasure is "Fred Thompson on Law & Order."

Analysis: The candidate obviously doesn't take the TV Guide Primary seriously. Either that, or he has a complete lack of taste and/or imagination. In fairness, the reporter might be the one cherry-picking, too. In any case, Boston Legal? That's the fifth best TV show that William Shatner's ever been on. And if you're going to cop to watching a "L&O" series, make it "Criminal Intent", or as I call it, "the smart one." I'm curious to see if the "Fred Thompson" bit is a quote or some editorializing by the writer. Dirty tricks in the TV Guide Primary? You heard it here first. If these are his real picks, Edwards is the Nader of this field.

Real Fave: Bridezillas

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Dennis Kucinich: Favorite shows: The Tonight Show, Late Show, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Saturday Night Live as his favorites.

On viewing habits: "When I get a chance to watch TV, it's usually late in the evening, Those shows have brilliant writers. It's just great to watch them."
On being the punch line of their jokes: "It's hilarious. I take what I do seriously, but I don't take myself seriously."

Analysis: On the surface, these seem like fine picks, but think about it: The Tonight Show, The Late Show, and Colbert are on at the same time. Do you really think he Tivo's them all? Here's the truth: He watches Colbert, and flips to Leno and Letterman's monologues during commercials. I'm a little bit surprised at Dennis' late-night viewing habits, considering his famously hot wife. I guess we're really, really underestimating Dennis.

Real Faves: You thought I was gonna say "X Files" or "The 4400." You were right. And "Beauty and the Geek."

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John McCain: Lists Prison Break among his favorite TV shows "because as a fellow prisoner, I always dreamed and plotted how I would break out of the Hanoi Hilton."

Analysis: A staffer fed McCain that line. He doesn't know how to get past his TV's V-Chip. Besides, can you really see McCain accepting help from the likes of "Tea Bag"?

Real Fave: The only thing he can get to come in, which is That endless loop of trailers on his cable company's "On Demand" screen.

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Mitt Romney: Fan of "Lost" because it has "a very captivating plot, and if you live a busy life, escape is always welcome."

Analysis: Mitt wins the Republican nod hands down by picking the Best Show Ever. You know his pick is sincere, because what candidate trying to win an election answers "Lost" to anything? Plus, by watching "Lost", Mitt proves he can really pay attention to complicated issues, and has a healthy suspicion of "The Others."

Real Fave: Mitt might've felt pressure not to invoke "Donnie and Marie" to avoid the appearance of payback for the Osmond endorsement. That's OK, Mitt, I'm gonna pick 'em for you. The "D&M" show was quality entertainment that I never missed a minute of. All last week, I had that "I'm a little bit country..." song stuck in my head thanks to this story, and you know what? It was wonderful.

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Fred Thompson: Favorite TV show is SportsCenter. He tells TV Guide, "I always need to stay up on my Titans, Vols, Vanderbilt and, of course, my Memphis Tigers."

Analysis: Please! Obvious pander to the "Aqua Velva" vote. "Sportscenter" is also the only show that's on cable more frequently than his own "Law and Order."

Real Fave: (if remote is across the room from him) "Ehhh, Whatever's On."
Real Fave: (remote in hand) "A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila"

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Rudy Giuliani: Skipped the TV Guide Primary. Rudy must be hiding something. He could have easily just said the obvious, like "24" or reruns of "Bosom Buddies." He didn't even do that. This can only mean that Rudy's Tivo "has something on him." This can only mean one thing.

Real Fave: The Jerry Springer Show.

There's really no contest here, Barack Obama outclasses the Democratic field easily with his candid, high-quality picks. In a heads-up match with the Republican winner, Mitt Romney, the Illinois Senator would be in big trouble with his current picks. I suggest a Battlestar Galactica marathon, followed by The Office (to showcase his leadership skills), "Scrubs" (healthcare), and "Kenny vs. Spenny" (bipartisanship). Until then, it looks like Romney is the candidate to beat.