What Team Can Beat Oprah & Obama?

The Obama & Oprah Show attracted 30,000 delirious fans in South Carolina alone last week. There probably aren't even 30,000 voters in South Carolina. How did Barry Hussein Obama pull off this political equivalent of the Led Zeppelin reunion?

It was easy. All he had to do was find a celebrity surrogate -- somebody a lot more famous, yet with enough similarities to the candidate to make the American Citizen equate the beloved star with the lowly politician.

Now, voters don't need to know about Barack the man, or the Audacity of Hopelessness, or anything at all, really. They need only remember that their favorite teevee celebrity, Oprah Winfrey, likes the presidential candidate who is also a wealthy black VIP based in Chicago. The shared letter "O" doesn't hurt, either.

And suddenly, Mr. Second Place is spoiling Hillary Clinton's bold crusade to continue the Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton presidency. Other candidates, take note: You must have a celebrity surrogate if you're going to beat the Obama & Oprah Show. But which celebrities go with which presidential hopefuls?

Hillary Clinton/Jane Fonda: Unfortunately for Mrs. Clinton, her only appropriate celebrity surrogate is Jane "Hanoi Jane" Fonda. That's because Hill and Jane are not only strong-willed, intelligent women of the same Sixties Generation we are still hearing about today, but also because the inexplicable right-wing-male loathing for Mrs. Senator Clinton is topped only by the still-frenzied loathing for Ms. Fonda, who had the nerve to oppose the Vietnam War about 40 years ago, which single-handedly caused the U.S. to lose that war and, eventually, also lose the War Against Communism. Hillary and Jane will remind certain very elderly super patriots that communism is still on the march!

Bill Richardson/Benicio del Toro: Governor Richardson's reputation as a talented-yet-disheveled guy who is Mexican could only be enhanced by the involvement of a talented-yet-disheveled Puerto Rican actor.

They've both got the heavy baggage under the eyes, they both kind of mumble, and they're both fond of the ladies.

Sadly, they both pretty much peaked in the late 1990s, despite having more talent than a lot of the more popular kids these days.

Mitt Romney/George Hamilton: Despite spending a year in Iowa personally paying off the mortgages of thousands of Iowa Republican primary voters, Mitt "Willard" Romney is still having problems connecting to the "Heartland Voters."

Romney's recent speech, "I Am Trying Not To Creep You Out With the Whole Mormonism Deal," was well received by godless pundits but did little to turn around his poll numbers in Iowa. What he needs is the help of an old-school celebrity who manages to be both slick and charming: George Hamilton.

Hamilton endeared himself to Middle America in such iconic films as "Evel Knievel" (RIP!) and "Zorro: The Gay Blade." And yet, George and Mitt look like they could be brothers. Maybe they are! Besides, Hamilton has a proven track record of making alternative lifestyles seem "okay" to regular Americans. A generation ago, normal people looked at George Hamilton's freakish suntanning addiction as something weird and terrible. Today, every half-vacant strip mall in America features a Tanning Salon filled with fat girls. Imagine what George could do for Mitt.

Rudy Giuliani/The Grim Reaper: The multi-millionaire Manhattan dandy has a clear message for America -- "Let me make every day like 9/11" -- but it's being tragically obscured by his repulsive personal behavior.

This is a man who demanded a divorce from his second wife during a press conference, while New York police were chauffeuring around his latest mistress. His own children won't support his candidacy, because they hate his guts. His best friends are mobsters and adulterers and tax cheats and pedophile priests. What the ex-mayor of New York needs is a celebrity surrogate who will distract from a very sketchy life. That celebrity is Death himself.

By aligning with the Grim Reaper, Giuliani will be able to focus on the true themes of his candidacy: fear and dread and the unexpected horror always waiting in the shadows.

Ron Paul/Jesus Christ: There is no earthly celebrity who could possibly help Dr. Congressman Ron Paul's campaign, because the Texas representative is perfect in every way.

Nonetheless, many people don't yet know about Ron Paul and his message of Freedom. If they did know about him, he would currently be at 100% in both the Republican and Democratic polls.

The only truly perfect celebrity is also He who can make Ron Paul known in the hearts of every American voter: Jesus Christ.

Mike Huckabee/Huckleberry Hound: Former governor Mike Huckabee has personally charmed many Iowans with his friendly, folksy, humble manner and sense of humor. Even people who disagree with all of his political positions can't find anything bad to say about him, because he's basically the only likable person running for president. (Dennis Kucinich is likable, too, but it's mathematically impossible to figure out how much of that is really just because of his hot wife.)

Sadly, most primary voters can't be expected to watch debates and listen to Huckabee's pleasant, homey speaking voice and seemingly common-sense answers. What Mike needs is the celebrity endorsement of another folksy "Huck" from Down South, beloved blue-dog Democrat and frequently unemployed cartoon character Huckleberry Hound.

Few celebrities have been so eager to share the limelight as humble Huck. When his bosses at Hanna-Barbara stuck him with a cavalcade of lesser sidekicks who ate up his screen time, the good-natured dog simply drawled, "We're all stars here" and went about his job with dignity.

Once Huckabee and Huckleberry take to the campaign trail, it's going to be over for everybody else. Not even Oprah and Obama can top an act like this.