Clinton Presidency Would Be a Disaster

This primary season, I've seen a lot of coverage of the Clinton campaign, even here at The Machine, and I got to thinking, what would a Clinton presidency be like? I looked through our Clinton stories, and I found that only one of them was by me. ( This one was tagged Clinton, but it wasn't really about Clinton, and this one wasn't really about anything. Well, it was about not being about anything.) To be fair to me, I'm not the only one lagging, and we can all do better.

I like to think of myself as an individualist, to a degree, but this is approaching unfairness. I owe it to my country to really put some thought into this, to visualize a Clinton presidency, and all that it implies. I have done that, and I have concluded that a Clinton Presidency would be extremely damaging to our country.

Let's look at this analytically, point by point.

Economic Policy: It is Clinton's stated policy to "Give Up the Funk". I see this as a wholesale endorsement of "Socialized Funk", an extreme position even for a liberal. Now, a more moderate Democrat might favor Funk subsidies, while Republicans would more likely favor the deregulation and consolidation of the Funk, but no reasonable person wants government control of the Funk. That's just un-american. Although I don't normally favor privatization, I think that in this area, a good example has been set by companies like Lipps, Inc. and The Hues Corporation.

Healthcare: Everyone knows Clinton's FLASHLIGHT (Federally Legislated Assignment of Subsidies for Health Insurers to Get Healthcare Tight) initiative is a hot mess, and amounts to nothing more than welfare for huge corporations.

National Security: For a liberal, Clinton is surprisingly reluctant to take the "Atomic Dog" option off the table. This, despite the fact that the technology is years, perhaps decades away from even a prototype. On the plus side, Clinton does plan to appoint to the Joint Chiefs several of The Commodores, but not Lionel Richie.

Immigration: Clinton's laissez-fair "Tear the Roof off the Sucker" policy would have our country quickly overrun with low wage legal immigrants, intent on "turning this mother out." Unacceptable.

Environment: There has been much confusion over Clinton's "Chocolate City" proposal, with most people believing that it's a plan to help revive blighted urban areas. Anyone bothering to actually read the policy paper would learn that, as a way to incentize citizens and companies to fight global warming, Clinton intends to build several cities, literally, out of chocolate.

Experience: This is something of a gray area. Although Clinton has vast experience as a member of Parliament, there is no precedent for a U.S. president having served in a foreign legislative body.

All in all, I'd say the picture here is pretty clear. Sure, we'd all like to be "One Nation Under a Groove", but when it comes to a Clinton Presidency, the only appropriate reaction is, "Double Uh-Oh." If you want to "get funked up", George Clinton is your man, but if you're looking for the leader of the free world, you could not do much worse.

What's that? Hillary Clinton? Oh, well, she's not my favorite, but I bet she'd do a pretty good job. Why?