It's a Wonderful Party part 2

Merry Christmas, Machinistas, and Happy Holidays, too. I like the word "Merry", I don't think it gets used enough. I think we should all try and get "Merry Friday" going as a thing, OK? I'll do my part, you do yours.

In case you missed part 1 of our Christmas tale, Hank and Henry were hanging out in a bar with their guardian angels, Noam and Rush, on a train bound for...nowhere? They did not, however, meet up with a gambler. The story continues after the jump. First, for your viewing pleasure, here's the newest edition of Ballwitness News, along with the previous episodes and the bloopers from same. Enjoy!

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PD toolbar!Noam smiled. "I thought you might ask that, This way." Noam led him through several cars, until they arrived at a dining car with an immaculate art-deco bar. There were 2 other men at the bar, as Hank and Noam sidled up.

"Make it a Bud!", Hank said to the taciturn barkeep. He turned to the 2 men and said, "So, what's your story, pal?"

"Well, I'm Henry Smith," said the one man,slim, 30-ish, with dark hair. He motioned to the white-robed man with him. "This, apparently, is my guardian angel, and he claims his name is 'Rush'."

Rush gave Hank a little salute. "I caught this one 'falling' off a bridge in New Jersey because he's convinced the Republicans will steal the next election, too, and he...", in a mock whine, "'feels hopeless!' Wahhh!"

"You're the one who made me fall!", Hank exclaimed.

"Hey, pal,", Rush interjected, "how about a little personal responsibility.?"

"Sorry if I made you fall.", Henry said.

Rush shot him a stern look. "That's the problem with you 'Libs', you're always apologizing!"

"Wait, I'm stuck on a train with one of them?", Hank exclaimed.

Henry rolled his eyes. "Oh, crap, you're a Republican? Man, I can't wait 'til we get to my stop."

Hank grabbed Noam by the front of his robe. "Just where the hell are you taking us?"

In a flash, Rush produced a taser and shocked Hank into submission. Noam gave him a frustrated look. "Rush, we talked about this, there needs to be a stern warning. Besides, he can't hurt me, I'm extra-corporeal."

He helped Hank back to his barstool, as Henry explained. "Well, they're taking me to an alternate present where the Republican Party never existed. Should be a blast."

Hank turned to Noam, and shakily asked, "Is that where I'm going, to a place where no Democrats ever existed?"

Noam was a little testy now. "Yes, that's pretty much it, but Rush wasn't supposed to tell Henry any of that. We're supposed to unravel things gradually. This is why we keep getting denied wings."

Rush grumbled, "Wings are for fairies."

Hank laughed. "Well, I bet I know what yours will be like. First of all, you will never have been born, because your Dad will have decided to marry his boyfriend instead of your mom. Your mom, of course, donated her eggs to stem cell research, so right now, you're part of President Streisand's new liver!"

Henry took a swig of his Zima. "Oh yeah? Well, your mom didn't marry your dad, either. She was married off to the local pastor at age 14, and became an alcoholic seamstress. She missed your egg in the rotation, since they only had sex every Feb. 29th."

"Barman, another Bud!", Hank called. "Well, none of that matters, anyway, 'cuz your Earth has a population of about a thousand, what with all the homosexuality and abortions. And the ones who are left have been enslaved by orangutans. They're smart and they can sense weakness!"

Henry shot back, "Well, your Earth has a population of 60 billion from never wearing a rubber, and the average lifespan is 42 years because after the first gasoline fire, you all adopted coal-powered cars."

They could feel the train slowing. Rush tapped Henry on the shoulder. "This is our stop."

For the first time, the 2 men noticed that there was a window on the train, with a shutter pulled down tight. They could make out a bright orange outline shining through. Rush nodded to the bartender, who pressed a button under the bar, raising the shutter. Henry gazed in shock and horror. The Earth was a desolate, irradiated garden of hellfire. Rush motioned to him. "C'mon. It's OK, you can't be hurt in this state."

They began walking out of the bar. Hank turned to Noam and said, "Gee, I actually feel kinda sorry for him. What happened here?"

Noam shook his head sadly. "Well, without conservatives around, the country just got more and more liberal, and the debates inside the government grew longer and more convoluted. By the time they recognized the threat from Micronesia, it was too late. Total nuclear annihilation."

"Wow. I never thought I'd feel this sad to be right.", Hank said. "Maybe I should go say something to him."

Noam smiled. "That'd be really nice of you. Let's go."

It didn't take them long to catch up to Rush and Henry, as Henry was staggering slowly along in a state of shock. Hank put his hand on Henry's shoulder. "Hey, don't worry, maybe they'll let you come along to my stop."

Rush gave Noam a quizzical look. "You didn't tell him? Oooo, that wasn't very nice of you."

Hank whirled on Noam, Rush whipped out his taser, Noam held up his hand to halt Rush. "What, is my stop worse than this?"

Noam looked apologetic. "No, Hank...I didn't have the heart to tell you...this is your stop, too."

Hank felt dizzy, overwhelmed. He dropped to his knees. "But...but how?"

Rush chimed in. "Well, without the Libs around to move things along, spread things out a little, the country just kept on stockpiling weapons and thinking up new weapons, until one day, some stockboy for a defense contractor dropped a box of nuclear hand grenades. The Russians picked up on the detonation on their early warning system and thought it was an attack. You know how that goes."

"Wait, how can we both be wrong?", Henry asked.

Noam furrowed his brow. "Well. you're not both wrong, not a hundred percent, nor are either of you a hundred percent right. There are things you can learn from each other if you stop being so angry with each other. Or you could just be like us. Everyone in heaven is a Whig."

Rush waved them back toward the train. "C'mon, I think they get it, let's take 'em home now."

Hank and Henry were overjoyed that they got to return home, anxious to use what they had learned. Theyt struck up a friendly repartee, and as they walked back to the train, another was pulling up. Two men emerged, and as they approached, Rush said, "Lyndon, how's it hangin'?"

The angel Lyndon nodded toward his charge. "Two hours on a train with this guy? I caught him fjumping off of the Ron Paul blimp. I'm showing him what'll happen if Paul actually wins."

****

Hank and Henry came to in a booth at a Burger King on the Garden State Parkway. They shared a quick breakfast, then headed out into the cold early morning. They shook hands and started to go their separate ways, when Henry turned and said, "Hey, Merry Christmas, Hank!"

Hank stopped, turned around. "Merry Christmas to you, too, Henry." He paused a moment. "Happy Holidays, too."



The End








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