Hated 2007? Then You'll Despise Election '08!

Congratulations to the tiny fraction of Americans (mostly retirees in New Hampshire and Iowa) who have nothing better to do than pay attention to national politics. You people have already suffered through fourteen months of Campaign 2008, despite the fact that 2008 is still a few days in the future. And the actual election is still more than 10 months away.

Happy terrible new year!

When this finally ends and Ron Paul takes the oath of office at the new White House on the Moon after the space aliens steal Earth's gold, historians will want to know the "high points" of the year before the year of the 2008 campaign.

Unfortunately, there were no highlights. But all of the following really dumb crap happened, anyway ....


It was way back in November of 2006 when this wretched process officially began, literally the morning after the midterm election washed away the GOP congressional majority and its staggering array of weird sex crimes. When it was over, all anybody seemed to know for sure is that Hillary Clinton would somehow claw her way back to the White House and Rudy Giuliani would say "9/11" a million times, resting only for a divorce every few weeks.

Do you remember Tom Vilsack, or Sam Brownback, or Tom Tancredo, or Duncan Hunter, or Joe Biden? Of course not! All of these losers announced their presidential bids a full two years before Election Day. Some of them may still be running for president, although it's impossible to know for sure.

This is all anybody remembers from the year that was, 2007, RIP:

Hillary Has Two Mommies Blazers: Even more trivial than the media furor over Hil's extreme makeover was the outrage over Mrs. Clinton's two ugly blazers or whatever you call the unattractive suit-jacket things sometimes worn by middle-aged corporate women. She had a blue one and a pink one, and she wore them at hundreds of campaign stops. If you stared too long at the trippy swirl designs in the unnatural fabric, you'd either realize the deep connection between all living things or you'd just throw up on your laptop, again.

Dennis Kucinich's Hot Wife Has A Tongue Stud: Just when Elizabeth Kucinich's good looks, luxuriant red hair and sultry English accent made us briefly stop hating hippie chicks, redheads and the English, we learned she has one of those awful worn-out-porn-star "tongue stud" metal things pierced into her actual tongue. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Mike Huckabee's Fat Psychopathic Son Validates Every Stereotype About A Baptist Preacher's Kids: If you grew up in proximity of a Baptist church when you were an impressionable teenager, you probably recall one irrefutable scientific fact: The daughters of Southern Baptist preachers are looser than Britney Spears' 16-year-old sister. What you've probably forgotten is that the sons of those preachers tend to be fat psychopaths who murder dogs and smuggle loaded handguns into airports. Thanks, David Huckabee, for reminding us of what we tried so hard to forget.
Mike Gravel Is Still Out There, Doing God Knows What: If you ever wondered what would happen if the anti-war dreadlocked college kids banging those drums in front of Ben & Jerry's were somehow merged with the bitter old crank neighbor who loses his mind if your dog happens to take a leak on his hedges that he hasn't actually trimmed in a few years, since his wife left, then you can maybe imagine the bitter old dude from Alaska named Mike Gravel.

While the former senator certainly did some brave stuff during the 1970s -- fighting the draft, forcing Washington to admit the terrible truth of the Vietnam War's Pentagon Papers, etc. -- his 2007 campaign was basically an angry lecture about how much this country sucked. To bring home the gloomy message, he starred in a low-budget YouTube video in which he glared at the camera and dropped a rock in a lake. Then, he made a rap video, in which he rapped. Maybe this country does suck.