Meet Your New President, Mike Bloomberg

Good-bye, Iowa and New Hampshire. Thanks for leaving us with about a dozen "winners."

Now the National Press Corps has got to act like they care about South Carolina, and even Nevada. There are rumors of people actually paying attention to the GOP primary in Michigan.

Assuming different people win the different upcoming primary/caucus contests, we'll still be left with Hillary, McCain, Barry Obama, Reverend Huckabee, Rudy "9/11" Reagan, Dr. Congressman Ron Paul and that one guy, the liberal from Massachusetts. Then it will be on to "Very Super Tuesday," when twenty states will join the primary fun and even Dennis Kucinich will probably win something, possibly Guam.

What does this mean? It means it's time for an all-new candidate to rise above our petty partisan politics or whatever and truly represent for the "little guy" and the "average American Joe." Obviously, we are speaking of multi-billionaire New York divorcee Mike Bloomberg.

Bloomberg's story resonates with all of us, because who doesn't know what it's like to be a nobody -- a nobody and also a very rich equity trader on Wall Street. He could've remained a nobody, of course, but Mike Bloomberg had dreams that reached the sky, even if he could barely reach the doorknob. With plucky determination, Mike turned his little tiny startup business-information software business into a media giant. And he finally got his $11.5 billion dollars, making him one of the 200 richest people on the entire planet.

As a result, he doesn't have to be "Democrat" or "Republican," although he was a Democrat for his whole life until he decided to become Mayor of New York, which is apparently a Republican job, so then he became a Republican.

But Americans have a legendary (and mostly false) "independent streak," so Bloomberg is now an Independent.

He will not need to raise any money to run. In fact, he has more than the Hillary and Obama campaigns right now, just in his pants pocket, in quarters.

What will life be like under your new Independent President, Mike Bloomberg? Experts say we'll like it a lot, because:

* No First Lady: Mike is single! You know how much everybody always hates the president's wife? Those days are done.
* No Air Force One: Mike rides the subway! (Sometimes.) Plus, he has his own fleet of limousines and corporate jets.
* No dumb questions about whether or not he worships the right Jesus: Mike is Jewish, plus he's not even religious! Problem solved, America!
* No more deficits: Mike is all about making billions of dollars. If "the company" (America) isn't making money, he'll just fire the slackers (the Americans).
* No more "cigar antics" in the White House: Mike is a non-smoker. Mike personally ended smoking in New York City, and those people used to smoke a lot! It was basically all they did. Now, no smoking at all.



Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette.com