Riddle Me This, Obama!

The Clinton campaign today released a list of questions for Senator Barack Obama, posed by Lee Feinstein, the campaign's National Security Director.

Questions for Senator Obama

Lee Feinstein, Campaign National Security Director, Released the Following Statement Senator Obama has thus far failed to answer key questions about his qualifications to meet the Commander-in-Chief test. The following are questions that Senator Obama should address:

Now, I know that Senator Obama is very busy these days, basking in his leprechaun-esue Blackness and practicing answering telephones, plus I know that Mr. Feinstein is also a busy guy and can't really wait all that long for these answers. To that end, I would like to offer my help to both parties. After the jump, I will do my best to answer these questions the way I would if I was Barack Obama.

Will you stand by your definitive commitment to removing all combat brigades from Iraq within 16 months, or will you, as your former advisor said, not rely on "some plan" you "crafted as a presidential candidate or as a US Senator?"

As you know, comments and policy papers carry the full weight of U.S. contract law, and may not be deviated from no matter what. Although I will have access to more information and changing conditions on the ground, I will adhere to the plans I made before that no matter what happens. Are you an idiot?

Do you regret that you have never held any substantive hearings on Afghanistan or any other subject, since you became chairman of the subcommittee on European Affairs in January 2007?

Well, it would have been nice to do that, but I thought it would be better to leave that up to the subcommittee that actually has jurisdiction over Afghanistan. That'd be the Subcommittee on Near Eastern and South and Central Asian Affairs. Actually, I think you know the Chairman, John Kerry?

Do you agree with General McPeak that you are more qualified to be commander in chief because you don't "go on television and have crying fits?" Are you prepared to remove General McPeak from your campaign for what is viewed by many as a sexist comment?

Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Boo. (Boo Who?) Why ya cryin'? It's only a joke. Knock, knock. (Who's there?) Orange. (Orange who?) Orange you gonna wish you treated me nicer when I'm picking my Veep?

Are you still willing to meet separately, without precondition, during the first year of an Obama administration, in Washington or anywhere else, with the leaders of Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Cuba and North Korea? Are there any circumstances in which you would not conduct such meetings?

I would at least insist that each of them learn a different harmony to "Midnight train to Georgia", sing it to my voicemail, and I'd mix it and make that my ringtone. Let me put it this way. I am willing to meet with these leaders, more willing than Senator Clinton. There are lots of scenarios where I would not. Like, if Chavez wanted to meet me at an Air Supply concert. It would be too loud, and I don't even like their music. well, "Sweet Dreams" was OK. Here's a question for you, smarty-pants. What are their names? You don't know, do you?

As voters evaluate you as a potential Commander-in-Chief, do you think it's legitimate for people to be concerned that you have traveled to only one NATO country, on a brief stopover trip in 2005, and have never traveled to Latin America?

Why, do you think they'll be scared when they see me coming because I'm black? Maybe I should do a little soft-shoe so they'll know I'm "one of the good ones?" Why is it always about race with you people? Just kidding. Yeah, that's a big problem, I'll drop out. No, seriously, when I'm President, I'll make sure Sinbad fills me in on all of that.

Earlier in the campaign you were asked how you would respond to a terrorist attack on two cities in the United States. You talked about the need for an effective emergency response but were initially unclear about the need for a military response. What do you think that says about your readiness to be Commander-in-Chief?

Well, I can see your concern here, since we all remember the great presidents, like JFK, and FDR, standing around answering pop-quiz hypotheticals as training, and that a good Coommander-in-Chief needs to be on the lookout for war opportunities, but don't worry. If a military response is called for, I will double-check that I'm attacking the right country.

You publicly broadcast your willingness to attack Pakistan unilaterally, a statement which caused unrest in that country. Recognizing that we need to combat terrorism wherever it exists, do you wish you would have made your comments in a way that didn't cause unrest?

Really? I said that? Is that like when the cops "unilaterally attack" Compton every night?

Hopefully, this saves both campaigns valuable time and effort, and in the future, I hope I can be of further assistance.