Florida Kicks 'Truck-Nutz'

Welcome to Florida! In our magical playground, there's no state income tax, the overheated real estate market has gone into deep freeze, and a $2.1 billion-dollar budget deficit threatens to deprive local cities and towns of essential services. It is before this Disney-esque backdrop that the Florida Legislature toils day and night, doing the people's work. Last Friday, for instance, a pressing issue came before the governing body that could be ignored no longer. The state needed a yes or no answer: Truck Nutz, should they be banned?

OK, I know many readers may never heard this term, much less laid eyes on said nutz. As a result of the confusion, some of you might be feeling the outrage starting to simmer. Ban the sale of cashews, peanuts, pecans to for those proud residents whose appetites match the size of their rides? How dare they discriminate against those protein-craving, pick-up truck driving, law abiding citizens? But slow down.

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The Nutz in question here are the kind synonymous with that portion of male anatomy also known as balls, 'nads, cajones (especially in South Florida), the family jewels, or, if you're going to actually try to be mature about it, testicles. Exactly how these nuts ever ended up dangling from the stubby phallus otherwise known as a trailer hitch, is something of a mystery. But Truck Nutz have exploded on to the scene, so to speak, over the past few years. Driving around Jacksonville, I've spotted several pair, some chrome, some day-glow yellow, some camouflaged. Heck, there are even confederate-flag-printed Truck Nutz.

But the kill-joys at the Florida legislature, including State Senator Carey Baker, who introduced a bill outlawing the vehicular augmentation, seem poised to stamp out further scrotal representation. Ouch. If the bill passes the House, a wanton, public display of Truck Nutz would merit a $60 fine.

So are there enough 'nads out there on Florida's roads to put a dent into that budget gap? And will the ACLU step in to protect the rights of free-balling truck owners in the Sunshine State? Stay tuned for next week's episode of the wacky reality show that the rest of the country can't get enough of: "Florida!"


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