McCain's Last, Best Hope: Ron Paul

"Help me, Obi-Ron Paulobi, you're my only hope!" – Satirical Construct of John McCain and Princess Leia

Aside from the fact that Hillary Clinton just can't let a guy have his moment, one other thing is clear from last night's speeches: John McCain is in deep doo-doo. If he doesn't figure out a way to counter Barack Obama's historic momentum, far superior platform, and unparalleled political skills, he may as well take a nap so he can be fresh for the Early Bird Special on Election Day.

Lucky for McCain, he has me to give him advice. Lucky for America, there is no chance he will take it. Of course, any of you Mac Backers out there who know how to use the internet, feel free to email him this article so he can at least have a fighting chance.

With or without Hillary Clinton, last night made it clear that McCain is badly outgunned against Obama. I'm going to assume Hillary will be the VP, because only a complete moron would pass that ticket up. McCain's only prayer is to make Ron Paul his VP

In a normal election, you try to "balance the ticket" with someone who is your polar opposite, which for McCain would be an evangelical Christian baby who knows the difference between a Shi'ite and a Sunni. This, however, is no normal election.

McCain's challenge here is not securing the votes of the Republican base. They are going to vote for him, as he is the mast of the listing boat from the end of "Jaws." No, what he needs to do is counter Obama's strengths.

Ron Paul brings some heavy ammo right off the bat. He has the online fund-raising thing figured out, plus a built-in bloc of 15% or so independent-minded conservative voters to add right in to McCain's 26% GOP base. That gets him to 40% from Jump St.

A lot of McCain's appeal is tied up in his maverick image, which is going to take a beating as soon as Obama starts really campaigning against him. Ron Paul brings a ton of his own maverick credibility, plus McCain gets Mav Points for appointing someone who disagrees with him on the war.

Ron Paul also brings credibility on the economy, as more people will remember him pantsing McCain at the Reagan Library than will know the details of his economic plan. He's also respected by non-supporters as a truly principled conservative, another weakness for McCain, who flips like a football referee's quarter.

But the biggest impact Ron Paul will have on McCain's candidacy will be in the debates. It's a given that Obama will make McCain look ridiculous in them, but Hillary Clinton will kick most Republicans around like hard dog crap in the Vice Presidential debates. Paul is the o nly GOP candidate remotely qualified to go toe-to-toe with either of them. Maybe McCain can "faint" before his debates and let the doctor go to work.

I'm going to renew my tattoo offer here. If enough McCain and Paul supporters email McCain's campaign, they just might do it, and I will get a Ron Paul tattoo on my right arm. Let the pigeons loose.