McCain Heroically Opposes Gay Adoption

John McCain has tiptoed around the issue of gay adoption enough this month, but he's finally taken a mighty, manly stand against these pantywaist kids, littering our orphanages, driving the other waifs mad with their constant warbling of showtunes.

Excuse me...(hand to earpiece)...oh, the parents...got it.

John McCain is right to keep our orphan population out of the hands of the gays. We were all shocked when his spokesperson said this earlier this month:

However, as an adoptive father himself...he recognizes that there are many abandoned children who have yet to find homes. McCain believes that in those situations that caring parental figures are better for the child than the alternative. I knew it had to be some kind of mistake. There's no way a he-man like John McCain would go for fruity shenanigans like these, even as a total and complete last resort to normal parents.

I was right. Turns out the spokesperson was a woman! If you want to put out a meaty, throbbing political position, you gotta send a man, I mean a real man, to do it. It takes guts, no, balls even, to go against the gay-loving public and keep those kids in orphanages, away from deviants like Ellen DeGeneres. I'm printin' bumper stickers!



In order to fully appreciate the courage of John McCain's stand against gay adoption, you need to see what's at stake. First of all, you've got to ask yourself: Can these so -called "parents" even stay together? I doubt it. Unlike normal marriages, gay couples would quickly show themselves to be unstable, dissolving at rates of up to 43%.

Worse yet, if the gays are allowed to adopt children like normal people, in no time there will be rampant, horrible abuse. The government will have to create whole agencies devoted to protecting children, like some kind of child protective service. Can we afford that?

Just look at the actions of noted gays like Joel Steinberg, Susan Smith, and Raymond and Vanessa Jackson. Wait, that last one sounds like a normal couple.

Actually, John McCain, those are all "normal" couples, so if you're going to apply a standard to who can adopt a child, why not make it something like this: Who can provide that child with a safe, loving home?

I honestly used to respect John McCain for at least having some principles. I might have disagreed with them, but I respected the fact that he did the right thing from time to time. In hindsight, his defense of John Kerry has turned out to be a sham, his talk of honor a lie, and he has twisted himself into knots to appeal to the right-wing fringe of his party.

What makes this so hard to take is that I know he knows better. Somewhere in there, John McCain is a decent guy who knows that gay parents can be just as good, or bad, as heterosexual ones. You can see it in his eyes in this video.

But he will say anything to get elected, even "F__ you, orphans!" John McCain, you make me sick.