Hating the Conventions

It's that time again. Time to wear funny hats, paint the stage red white and blue, drop the confetti and the balloons, get footage of ordinary-looking Americans being inspired to the point of tears. Yes, it's political convention time.

In what has evolved into the most self-congratulatory waste of air time since the advent of the music video, the two parties will take to the airwaves over the next two weeks for all the free advertising that the networks will grant them. With an assist from the 24-hour cable "news" networks, and blogs like this one, we'll be slicing and dicing every speech and protest and stage design for lasting import.

We're led to believe that the Democratic convention may actually provide some honest-to-God news this year, as Hillary Clinton's name will be -- for purely symbolic reasons -- placed on the delegate ballot along with Barack Obama's. Just so you didn't think that this was anything other than a meaningless gesture, Hillary has already announced that she'll release her delegates to Obama no matter how many of them stick by her. Furthermore, Florida and Michigan, formerly in the dog house for messing with the primary calendar, will return to the fold just in time for the pretend voting fun.

So, is there any other possible reason to stop reading the book you're in the middle of and start watching the conventions? Well, after a year and a half of campaign coverage, how desperate for possible intrigue are you? Maybe Bill will be combative in his speech. Maybe Hillary won't be as conciliatory as some pundits demand. Maybe a PUMA protester will manage to smuggle a banana cream pie onto the convention floor.

Television ratings for political conventions have plummeted in recent years. I guess it's possible that Obama's stadium speech will reverse that trend, but it's hard to imagine American households will be revved up to hear John McCain's, even those that support him. For those of us who have actually been paying attention to the race for such a long time now, the conventions are just a gaudy, pumped-up version of what we've already heard and seen. We know the themes. We know what the surrogates will say. We can probably come up with whole sentences from McCain's and Obama's acceptance speeches as if we were reading directly from the teleprompter.

Yes, we've been there, we've done that. Flags will wave, tears will roll down cheeks, balloons will drop, and we'll all argue about whose pep-rally/infomercial was better. Here's a bold prediction: Republicans won't much like the Democrats' convention, and vice-versa. Then again, I could be wrong. Maybe I should tune in to the coverage, after all and hear what "political strategists" from each party have to say about it. Or maybe I'll get back to my book, Rory Stewart's "The Places In Between."