Happy Fake Election Day, Early Voters!

The real, American election day may still be five long weeks away, but millions of nutty voters are "voting early" because they just can't sit down and wait it out like the rest of us.

In more than 30 states, citizens are ignoring their duty to show up on November 4 and try to fill out a ballot or screw up some touch-screen computer, all because of laziness. Why go to all that trouble when you can just mail in a ballot, today?

Because the campaigns are still working hard, raising money and running insane teevee commercials, that's why. And our politicians will keep up the good work until Halloween and beyond. Americans owe it to the Founding Fathers to at least pretend to pay attention.

According to the Boston Globe, "The very notion of Election Day, when Americans gather in school gyms, community centers, and fire stations to pick a president, is slowly giving way to drawn-out election windows -- weeks-long periods when voters, at their leisure, can cast ballots at designated spots or send them by mail."

There's that word again: Leisure.

In a time of terrible economic crisis, endless war and permanent national decline, you'd think Americans might consider something beyond their own leisure.

Think again. This nation of lazy slobs would rather spend the next five weeks on a scum-encrusted sofa eating Hot Cheetos and watching pornography on a flat-screen than caring about our country.

Liberals make the usual excuses: "Oh, the old people should get to vote from home, so they don't have to go outside where the criminals will rob them." Last time I checked, there were old people in Iraq, too. And unless they're cutting off their own fingers and mailing them to the polling place to be marked in purple ink, you can bet there's no "early voting" over there, where we took the fight so they wouldn't send their severed fingers over here.

Election Day is November 4. If you don't like it, there's a country right by Sarah Palin's house that you might want to consider. It's called Canada.

Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette. He will cast his vote on November 4, because he actually cares what happens to America.