John McCain For President

This first decade of the 21st Century has not been very good for America. We have been terrorized at home, humiliated in war, humbled by Asia, surpassed by Europe, invaded by Mexico and laughed at by Canada.

We are also so much sicker and sadder and poorer than we were eight years ago.

The question, on November 4, is this: Are we man enough, as a nation, to admit things are just going to keep getting worse? Can we finally grimace into our national mirror and admit that we need someone to finish the job? Then let's make John McCain, and then Sarah Palin, our president(s). Let's do this right!

Experts say the United States is like a bus full of enraged cows teetering on the edge of a sea cliff, with swarms of bloodthirsty sharks circling the waters below. Tragically, the frightened and confused livestock are unable to tilt the bus over the cliff by themselves.

We can't afford to prolong the misery. We can't afford to elect some pie-in-the-sky character who appeals to our better instincts. We can't afford to put aside ignorance and poverty.

We need to be pushed over that ledge.

John McCain was once a well-regarded senator with a dramatic personal history. He was admired by most Americans, and everyone loved his bawdy stories and how he constantly screamed at other senators and then had to write notes apologizing for his insane behavior. Nobody cared when he abandoned his children and his first wife, after she was crippled. He was a Maverick, after all, and Mavericks love adultery. Mavericks have no morals. They are free, like the wind.

Over his three decades in Washington, John McCain has stuck to his ideals, which are "take everything you can get from lobbyists" and "make your second wife buy mansions and luxury cars for you, because you are a Maverick."

But at least he has spent a very long time in Washington, at cocktail parties. Also, he loves to have wars. Do you love getting into wars and then losing them? John McCain is your man. He dropped bombs on people in a war, against Vietnam, and that was a very big war that America lost! Some say we've never recovered from that debacle.

Lest we mistake McCain's three decades in Washington for a steady temperament and lifetime of experience, John McCain picked some random idiot to be his vice-presidential nominee because she looked good on the teevee, until we heard her voice. So you don't have to worry about McCain having a group of professional advisers to guide his administration or, god forbid, set a sane course should he expire of old age while in office. If Sarah Palin doesn't nuke various U.S. states she's never heard of -- watch out, "New" Mexico! -- she'll surely start nuclear wars with Russia and China.

And then we'll be gone, just a smoldering 3,000-mile-wide wasteland of radioactive skeletons. It's sad, sure, but you can't say we didn't have it coming.

Make a difference. Fight the future. Vote for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette. He can't wait to vote!