10 Steps to PUMA Victory
Tommy Christopher
Contributor
Posted:
11/3/08
It's the day before the election. Everyone waits anxiously to find out if Barack Obama will be our next President, or 
just the next black guy to have an "Effect" named after him. John McCain's supporters while away the hours working on their "times tables."
And I am trying to get the word out to my friends, the PUMAs.
PUMA, for the uninitiated, stands for "Party Unity My Ass," and it's the umbrella term for former Hillary Clinton supporters who absolutely will not vote for Barack Obama. They are a group that I have done a lot of reporting on, so it's only natural that they would choose me for this task.
It was in the pitch darkness of the Pine Barrens, last night, that I heard that exhausted PUMA roar. I crept, quietly, out onto my front porch to investigate the noise. Suddenly, a hooded figure dropped out of a tree.
It was Tributarydaughter. Before I could speak, she shoved a piece of paper in my mouth, gasped breathlessly, "Tomorrow's...daily...Grrowl...Keep...safe...Obama...movement...follow-"
She whipped her head around at a sound from the woods. Tensing, she sprang into a crouch, scratched a backwards "P" into my cheek, and sprinted off into the woods.
Unfortunately, she had shoved the memo so far into my mouth that I swallowed it, with minimal chewing. Several hours later, though, I was able to piece most of it together. I guess you could say I had my own "Obama movement."
So, here are the final instructions for PUMAs everywhere. I only hope it reaches all of you in time.
The Last Daily Grrrowwwl! Ten Steps to PUMA Victory!
10. Print out 10 copies of Obama's birth certificate, fly to Hawaii, and stick them all into his file. When he has to produce it on Inauguration Day, they won't know which one to give him, and McCain will become President! Thanks to AustinDarlin for researching that loophole.
9. Donate $100.00 to Barack Obama today. Since there are 18 million of us, he will have to find a way to spend $1.8 billion before tomorrow night, or he forfeits the election! Special thanks to Larry Johnson.
8. Send whatever you can to Joe the Plumber so he can keep making McCain look good. Just remember to add 3% so Joe won't be upset if we put him over $250K.
7. The Obama Movement has fitted all of the voting booths in swing states with facial recognition software, and programmed them to switch PUMA votes to the opposite of what we really vote. So, if you are in a swing state, vote for Barack Obama, and it will automatically go to McCain.
6. All votes cast November 5 will count double this year. The law was enacted last night, and an email was forwarded just to Obama supporters, but we got ahold of one! Thanks, HillaryRocks!
5. Make sure you avoid each of John McCain's 12 lawns. It makes him very testy.
4. Don't read any stories about Sarah Palin's record on women's issues. These are all lies.
3. Call the McCain campaign voter complaint line often, and give detailed descriptions. The more complaints they get, the more votes get taken away from Obama! 866-976-VOTE (8683)
2. For God's sakes, if you need an abortion, get it now!
1. Pre-Order several copies of "The Audacity of Democracy" starring Tommy Christopher. They make great stocking stuffers, and if Obama wins, you'll have something fun to watch in your bunker.
Forward this Daily Grrrowwwl to as many PUMAs as you can think of! Our democracy is at stake!
just the next black guy to have an "Effect" named after him. John McCain's supporters while away the hours working on their "times tables." And I am trying to get the word out to my friends, the PUMAs.
PUMA, for the uninitiated, stands for "Party Unity My Ass," and it's the umbrella term for former Hillary Clinton supporters who absolutely will not vote for Barack Obama. They are a group that I have done a lot of reporting on, so it's only natural that they would choose me for this task.
It was in the pitch darkness of the Pine Barrens, last night, that I heard that exhausted PUMA roar. I crept, quietly, out onto my front porch to investigate the noise. Suddenly, a hooded figure dropped out of a tree.
It was Tributarydaughter. Before I could speak, she shoved a piece of paper in my mouth, gasped breathlessly, "Tomorrow's...daily...Grrowl...Keep...safe...Obama...movement...follow-"
She whipped her head around at a sound from the woods. Tensing, she sprang into a crouch, scratched a backwards "P" into my cheek, and sprinted off into the woods.
Unfortunately, she had shoved the memo so far into my mouth that I swallowed it, with minimal chewing. Several hours later, though, I was able to piece most of it together. I guess you could say I had my own "Obama movement."
So, here are the final instructions for PUMAs everywhere. I only hope it reaches all of you in time.
The Last Daily Grrrowwwl! Ten Steps to PUMA Victory!
Tommy Christopher co-hosts "Unusable Signal" , on BlogTalkRadio Tues - Thur at 9pm, and Fri, & Sat at 11pm. Click here for the Unusable Signal homepage.
10. Print out 10 copies of Obama's birth certificate, fly to Hawaii, and stick them all into his file. When he has to produce it on Inauguration Day, they won't know which one to give him, and McCain will become President! Thanks to AustinDarlin for researching that loophole.
9. Donate $100.00 to Barack Obama today. Since there are 18 million of us, he will have to find a way to spend $1.8 billion before tomorrow night, or he forfeits the election! Special thanks to Larry Johnson.
8. Send whatever you can to Joe the Plumber so he can keep making McCain look good. Just remember to add 3% so Joe won't be upset if we put him over $250K.
7. The Obama Movement has fitted all of the voting booths in swing states with facial recognition software, and programmed them to switch PUMA votes to the opposite of what we really vote. So, if you are in a swing state, vote for Barack Obama, and it will automatically go to McCain.
6. All votes cast November 5 will count double this year. The law was enacted last night, and an email was forwarded just to Obama supporters, but we got ahold of one! Thanks, HillaryRocks!
5. Make sure you avoid each of John McCain's 12 lawns. It makes him very testy.
4. Don't read any stories about Sarah Palin's record on women's issues. These are all lies.
3. Call the McCain campaign voter complaint line often, and give detailed descriptions. The more complaints they get, the more votes get taken away from Obama! 866-976-VOTE (8683)
2. For God's sakes, if you need an abortion, get it now!
1. Pre-Order several copies of "The Audacity of Democracy" starring Tommy Christopher. They make great stocking stuffers, and if Obama wins, you'll have something fun to watch in your bunker.
Forward this Daily Grrrowwwl to as many PUMAs as you can think of! Our democracy is at stake!