Isn't It Great How All Americans Love Obama?

Like everybody in America -- each and every person in America! -- I have been extremely hopeful and ecstatic since my man, Barack Obama, won the presidency.

Have you seen all those People and US Weekly magazine covers down at the Circle K? Could it be more clear that all of America voted with total love and confidence for Barack Obama, the best new president of any country in World History? (I am sorry about endorsing John McCain last week. He is a dumb loser and I've always known that, in my heart. Sorry.)

It has been a busy week, what with the birth of my new biracial children, Obama #1 and Obama #2.

They aren't really my children, but the gay marriage of my pregnant sister and her pregnant lady friend was suddenly voided by Mormons from Utah who were so concerned about what gay people did in San Francisco that they were compelled to launch this Propositon 8 thing in California ... $70 million in "Yes to 8" teevee commercials later, and suddenly these lesbian babies have no mommies and just one daddy. Me. It is tragic magic.

We are all facing tough times, during this Great Big Depression, and it's pretty clear life will be miserable from now on, at least until Obama takes office in January and begins sending the $10,000 checks to each American household, every month. Did you not know about this?

Obama's new Chief of Staff, Hugo Chavez, faxed the details to all of us Obama supporters this morning. (If you didn't get the fax, well ... let's just say a lot of things aren't really going to "go your way" for the next 12 years.)

Have you ever seen those "IF YOU'RE NOT MAKING $10,000 A MONTH, CALL 555-1212" cheap xeroxed signs pasted up in the poor foreclosed housing tract strip mall death hubs of America? Of course you've seen them! But you never called. Always thought it was a "scam," didn't you?

It wasn't a scam. It was Obama's staffing office in Chicago. I called. And it turns out they've just been writing checks, day and night. That's why I'm not really worried about raising my new children, these bi-racial infants from a lesbian marriage torn apart by religious zealots from two states away. I'm basically rich now.

I have been "hoping" for this kind of "change," and here it is. Truly, it is morning in America.

Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette, but now he's so rich, because of Obama, that he really doesn't have to work ever again.