Pop Quiz: Are You an American Idiot?

Conservative columnist Kathleen Parker, whom you may recall urged Sarah Palin to step down as John McCain's VP nominee after a series of disastrous television interviews, seems to think our whole country needs to resign. Based on the results of a study by the ISI (yes, the people who built the Six Million Dollar Man), she writes:

America's report card may come as little surprise to fans of Jay Leno's man-on-the-street interviews, which reveal that most people don't know diddly about doohickey. Still, it's disheartening in the wake of a populist-driven election celebrating joes-of-all-trades to be reminded that the voting public is dumber than ever.

Is she being too harsh? Well, the average score was 49% for the general public, 44% for elected officials. Judging by those scores, many of you won't even know what those scores mean. Scores bad, peoples, scores bad!

What's funny is that I've seen this survey kicking around the internet for a few days with headlines like "44% of Elected Officials Don't Know Siht!" as if 49% qualifies us to mock the dogcatcher.

Before I continue, I'm going to go take the quiz.

My score:

I scored 90.91%, which puts me in the 99.2nd percentile of those who participated in the study. Bow down before me, puny humans!

Now, before we begin construction on a nation-sized dunce cap (think of the job creation!), keep in mind that, of the 33 questions, only 19 of them are what I would consider "basic knowledge," things that everyone should know. There were a disproportionate number of questions that dealt with conservative economic principles, as well, which led me to check out the ISI.

In addition to building bionic men and women, they are a non-profit educational organization. While they are non-partisan, they operate under a familiar set of principles:

Limited Government

Individual Liberty

Personal Responsibility

The Rule of Law

Free Market Economy

Moral Norms

It's difficult to say how Americans would have done on a quiz given by a liberal organization, but since most Americans hold center-left views, there's a good chance that this would have made a positive difference.

Even considering all of that, I agree with my favorite Winston Churchill quote. No, not "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!"

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Here are some of the disturbing results from ISI's conversation with the average voter:

30 percent of elected officials do not know that "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" are the inalienable rights referred to in the Declaration of Independence

20 percent falsely believe that the Electoral College "was established to supervise the first presidential debates"

Almost 40 percent of all respondents falsely believe the president has the power to declare war.

Amusingly, there is a pretty simple reason why Americans know more about the erectile process than the electoral process. It has to do with the free market of ides.

There's no profit in teaching this stuff to most people, and no profit for them in knowing it. But everybody wants to know what to do if they experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours. (Answer: Change your camcorder battery)

Parker favors a solution involving government subsidies for newspapers. Hmmm. I guess "personal responsibility" only applies to desperately poor, starving people. TV and video game-addicted dunces, however, need a hand up, not a handout?

My solution is elegantly simple, would allow us to do away with the entire education system, and is almost free.

Pop quiz: What is a noun?

If you thought, "I find it quite interesting..." before you answered "A noun's a person, place, or thing," you already have the key to gaining and retaining any sort of knowledge.

We need to do an encyclopedic collection of Schoolhouse Rock segments, ones that will cover every subject that our current education system does. For instance:

Cop Rock: "Sir, there's no reason to get violent,

Now, you have the right to remain silent."

Dentist Rock: "I don't mean to be so banal,

As I perform your root canal."

Surgery Rock: "Let's have suction so that blood skedaddles,

Oh, shit! He's crashing, charge the paddles!"

We wouldn't even need malpractice insurance anymore. I have never failed to recall a fact that I learned on Schoolhouse Rock.

Look, there's nothing wrong with there being a lot of stupid Americans. It's why they keep the smart ones around, to think stuff up and whatnot. If it weren't for them, we would all be stuffed inside our lockers with nuclear wedgies.

Oh, here's the link to the quiz. Take it yourself, and tell us your answer in the comments. Stupidest reader gets their score published here:

Tommy Christopher co-hosts "Unusable Signal" , on BlogTalkRadio Tues - Thur at 10pm, and Fri, & Sat at 11pm. Click here for the Unusable Signal homepage.