Why Christopher and Howe Should Be the Next Hannity and Colmes

No sooner had David Knowles announced that Alan Colmes was leaving his semi-eponymous show, than Jay Allbritton was facetiously floating replacements. I'm certain that Jay only put me 8th on his list to avoid a charge of nepotism, but I was still disturbed by the tongue-in-cheek treatment.

But then, I realized that Jay was right on the money. I can think of no more absurd notion than that of me mopping the floor each night with a conservative other than Caleb Howe.

Therefore, Caleb and I are here to make the case for Fox News to replace Hannity & Colmes with Christopher & Howe. I further propose that, if Caleb is unwilling or unable to do the show, that it simply be titled Christopher, and How!

Here, then, are a selection of the 34 reasons why Fox should make the smartest move of their history.

#34 - Easy on the Eyes: Like chocolate and peanut butter, Christopher and Howe are two great tastes that taste great together. Roguish handsomeness and boyish charm never looked so wonky.

#29 - Change We Can Believe In: In Obama's America, change is in the air. After all these years, won't it be nice to have the liberal be the bigmouth reactionary, and the conservative be the reasonable one?

#23 - Talent is Overrated: The problem with talking head shows is that pundits who become too popular on their own side become pariahs on the opposite. But if you just aren't that good, you don't have to worry about it. So unlike Hannity and Colmes, Christopher and Howe won't be divisive. Or, you know, popular.

#19 - Built-in Sponsors: Caleb has a well-known and curious affinity for Perrier, while Tommy has an established relationship with Axe Body Spray. This shouldn't interfere with Fox's current advertising roster of gun shows and Sham-Wow! infomercials.

#13 - Initialization: H & C becomes C & H. The rap song practically writes itself.

#9 - Adventures in Funditry: Christopher and Howe will be a fun show, as the guys bring their own signature brand of humor to the political talking head format. Most amusing will be the on-air reading of emails from Fox viewers unaccustomed to humorous content. "I think both Caleb and Tommy grossly underestimate the threat posed by Sasquatches..."

#7 - X-treme Extremism! - Caleb is so conservative, he thinks The Bible has a liberal bias, and Tommy is so liberal, his idea of safe sex is to cover himself with Reynolds Wrap.

#6 - Pepsi Generation: Unlike H & C, C & H aren't old people. C & H can attract the highly desirable Robot Chicken demographic. Also, the highly desirable "morbid fascination" demographic.

#3 - Lots of Videos of Protesters - For some reason, this has emerged as a particular fascination for these two. The Christopher & Howe Show will completely revive the protest industry, giving voice to the strident, and hope to the annoying.

#1 - The Sum of All Spheres - Tougher than Robert Mitchum's stunt double, edgier than Andy Kaufman's and Crispin Glover's love child, these two have more balls than a municipal driving range. In fact, as a nod to their uber-macho approach, their set will be called "The Ballroom." Shall we dance?