Let's Give George W. Bush the Best Xmas Ever!

It's the Bush Family's last-ever Christmas at the White House, at least until Jenna runs unopposed in 2020, when there's nothing left of the "United States" except a smoldering trash heap called Prairie Chapel Ranch, operated as a 1,500-acre zoo, by the Chinese.

Let's make our President's last holiday season in Washington a very special surprise.

Let's send him a bunch of wonderful little presents, so he "never forgets" the last eight wonderful years. Yes, America, it's time for the annual 2008 George W. Bush Gift Guide.


Actually, let's not get him anything. First of all, George Bush Junior is very wealthy. Secondly, the traditional way to say "thank you" to a terrible president is to mail a box of dead fish to the White House. Sadly, the Patriotic Act of 2001 specifically criminalized this expression of precious democratic freedoms.

Let's just forget him altogether. That's what everybody else in America is doing! You know where the White House Christmas Tree was mistakenly delivered this time? That's right, Chicago. Whoops!

Instead of gallantly giving a present to the dingus who ruined what was left of the United States, perhaps we should be inspired by the Holiday Season's message of Kwanzaa, or "good will." And nothing says "good will" like choosing a cheap, mean George W. Bush-themed trinket for your idiot relatives who actually voted for that corrupt clown.

And in honor of our Latest, Greatest Depression, all of these fun trinkets are five dollars or less! Because, come on, who would actually want George Bush Junior merchandise?

Deluxe George W. Bush 43rd President Patch: This beautiful round thing is made of some kind of fabric. Nothing says "I know the name of the 43rd U.S. President" like a patch, that says this.

Give it to your least favorite relative or co-worker -- if you have a lousy job, there's a good chance your boss would love this patch! And if not, you can just sew it over his mouth. Only $4.43 from 4ArmedForces.com.

George W. Bush 2004 Republican Limited Edition Plush Bean Bear: Oh, this is abominable. You must buy dozens of these horror pets.

According to the sellers of this cartoonish ursine of shame, "The collectible Bush/Cheney bear has full-color images permanently imprinted on the body while maintaining the soft plush feel of the fabric."

What a great gift for people who always wanted to do this to a real bear, or maybe their dog, but couldn't figure out how to permanently imprint anything on fur. Just $5.00 from FantasyToyLand.com.

George W. Bush and His Family Paper Dolls: Have you ever wanted to burn the whole Bush Family take the day off work and drink vodka-tonics all morning and then shout at some little paper homunculi of George Jr., Laura, Barbara Jr. and Jenna? And then make them "do things" to each other? And then toss the whole rancid bunch in the fireplace, for Christmas?

Well, then, 2008 will be your favorite holiday season ever, because you can have a whole booklet of Bush Family paper dolls to dress up, torture, whatever you want! There's a total of eight voodoo dolls plus twenty-six comical outfits.

Look how the George tuxedo has the pants stuffed inside cowboy boots, just like the Village People do it! An actual, literal steal at $1.98 per copy, from Goods4Me.com.

President George Bush Mask Fancy Dress Party Halloween: Every single day is Halloween & 9/11 combined when George W. Bush Junior is president. But what about when he's gone, next month, forever, along with his Hell Monster Sidekick, Dick Cheney? Who will desperately try to terrify everyone about The Scary Arabs or The Scheming Gays or the Innocent Wall Streeters or whatever they're riled up about, at whatever given moment?

You will, while wearing this godawful death mask of our best ever president. Budget priced so you can buy lots of them -- one for the car, in case the cops get you for drunken driving, and maybe a few for the bedroom when you don't ever want to have sex again, with anyone. Basically they are giving you the masks, at this price, of only $4.99 each from VirtualVillage.com.

Ken Layne makes one-of-a-kind George Bush Junior statues from old hamburger meat and is also the editor of the patriotic magazine Wonkette.