Barack Obama to be Elected President Today!

Holy crap! Breaking News! Gather round the TV (if you haven't already pawned it)! Tell the kids to high tail it back from school (if your county can still afford to educate children). Why? That shadowy organization known as the Electoral College is ready to make history. At high noon, they're going to officially elect. . . drum roll. . . Barack Hussein Obama as the next president of the United States! Fire up the popcorn. This simulcast hook-up uniting courthouses across the country is must-see viewing.