The Top 4 Riders of Barack Obama's Coattails

If we had to pick an overall winner of the year 2008, it would have to be Michael Phelps, who, despite being a swimmer, achieved celebrity status normally reserved for biathletes.

But Barack Obama did pretty well himself, picking up the United States Presidency and three and a half million Facebook friends.

And you know who also won big? The people riding Obama's coattails! Unlike the president-elect, who only got power and nuclear weapons, these people got money, fame and/or fulfillment of lifelong dreams. Let's meet them...

Winner: Doris Kearns Goodwin. Her book on the Lincoln cabinet, Team of Rivals, topped bestseller lists following the shocking news that Obama was adding Tom Vilsack to his cabinet.
Corresponding Loser: Bob Woodward. If only Obama had chosen to model his cabinet on George W. Bush instead of Lincoln, the public would be rushing to buy his book, State of Denial. (Working title: Team of Incompetent Yes-Men.)

Winner: MSNBC. Liberal ascendency did wonders for their ratings, allowing the network to buy new spittoons for Keith Olbermann's copious mouth-froth.
Corresponding Loser: Fox News. Embarassed by their reports of "Obama's baby mama" and "terrorist fist jabs," they were relegated to stunts like giving Mike Huckabee a show. The bottom fell out when Alan Colmes left to take a job in a Sri Lankan garment factory, citing better working conditions.

Winner: Rod Blagojevich. When Obama left the Senate to prepare for his presidency, Blagojevich suddenly found himself with "this thing and it's [bleeping] golden!" Ambassadorships, corporate boards, $500,000... the world was his.
Corresponding Loser: Rod Blagojevich. For attempting to auction off Obama's seat to the highest bidder, he will be impeached and removed from office.

Winner: George W. Bush. After 8 painful years, he can finally acheive his lifelong dream of not being president anymore.
Loser: Barack Obama. He inherits two wars, massive debt, a bulging trade deficit, rampant unemployment, a timebomb in Israel, an even bigger timebomb in Pakistan, a climate crisis, a ravaged middle class, abused veterans, corruption throughout the federal government, and a hatred of America throughout large swaths of the world.

But hey, at least America just won its 14th consecutive World Series! USA!! You can thank our president later, Barack.