5 Tips for Malia and Sasha Obama in Their New School

The First Kids-Elect will be starting school this week, and Politico reports that the girls will face some unique challenges:

They'll have more new friends than they can count, and not all for the right reasons.

Bodyguards will be around, for sure, but hard to spot. And their teachers will have a brand-new worry in the digital age - cell phone cameras.

That's the life awaiting Malia and Sasha Obama when they step off the plane from Chicago on Sunday to start next week at Sidwell Friends School, which has been teaching presidents' kids dating back to Teddy Roosevelt.

The Sidwell Friends School is a Quaker school. Besides oatmeal, there's very little funny about that. I could try to have Caleb do a photoshop of Wilford Brimley as their gym teacher, but it doesn't seem worth the effort. Couldn't they have made it a Scientology school? Even catholic would've given me something to work with.

Still, I think Politico is taking lemonade and making lemons. What could be better for a grade-schooler than to have the leader of the free world signing your report cards? It's nice to have a parent who's the only member of the President-Teacher Association.

It is with that in mind that I offer these tips to the girls, knowing full well that they're probably too well-adjusted to use any of them.

#1. "Dealing" With Teachers

You need to set the proper tone from day 1. I suggest the following:

Sasha:( to Teacher) Knock-knock.

Teacher: Who's there?

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Sasha: Ice cream sandwich.

Teacher: Ice cream sandwich who?

Sasha: (Nods to Secret Service Agent. Agent tazes teacher for a full 30 seconds)

Sasha: Let's try that again. Knock-knock...


Taking Tests - It's the Nuance, Stupid

This served your dad really well during the campaign. You want to construct your answers so that you'll have some wiggle-room come grading time. Like, "While I am personally opposed to 2+2 equaling 4, I would not support the banning of such a union."

Dealing with Bullies

While most presidential children favor the icy stare and the flat intonation of "I could have you killed, you know," I think I have a better idea. I would suggest issuing an immediate, positive response from atop the nearest sliding board, e.g. "My opponent would have you believe that I'm a stupid-head, but what's stupid is continuing the failed policy of giving him your lunch money..."


Lunch Time

Arugula for all.

Passing Notes in Class

This is one area where you might be at a disadvantage, especially considering the unprecedented levels of transparency your dad has promised. Your classmates will just have to get used to things like this:

Office of the First Children

January 12, 2009

Malia Obama Issued the Following Statement Regarding Jimmy in the Front Row:

"I was gratified to receive Jimmy's note this morning, but I am unable to check one of those boxes at this time. While I do "like" Jimmy, there is much work to do before I can say whether I "Like-like" him. In the months ahead, America faces tough challenges, and so does Jimmy."

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