Tom Daschle to Make Health Care Cool Again

Face it, America. We're fat. We abuse substances. Some of us are even a little mentally unbalanced. And why is that?

Easy. Being healthy just isn't... well... cool anymore. But what if there were a way to fix that? Maybe, just maybe, all the kids are looking for is a middle-aged white man who has spent several decades in government to tell them that wellness is cool!

Think that might be it? Well guess who agrees with you? Former Sen. Tom Daschle (D-SD), that's who! Daschle, Barack Obama's nominee for Secretary of Health & Human Services, told Congress today that...

"Wellness has to be cool. And prevention has to be a hot thing. And we've got to make prevention hot and wellness cool."

A noble goal for the Secretary-to-Be, but a daunting one to say the least. You can't just walk in and say that being healthy is the hip new trend when celebrities like Aretha Franklin, Amy Winehouse, and Lindsay Lohan have made such compelling arguments for-- respectively-- obesity, drunkeness, and batshit insanity.

At least Daschle has one advantage going into the job. The nation's most prominent-- and unpopular-- advocate for fitness, George W. Bush, is about to leave the national stage. Now, to prevent a similar problem from rearing its head all over again, Daschle should do everything in his power to make sure the Amend for Arnold campaign never succeeds.