All Americans Must Attend Obama's Inauguration

Now that we have come together as a True American Nation for the first time since Ronald Reagan's re-election in 1984, we must turn off our computers, maybe take a bath and go, go, go to Washington.

We must celebrate the inauguration of our newest and greatest president, Barack Obama, in the city built so long ago by African slaves under the command of President George Washington. How ironic!

Don't have money? Don't worry, God will provide money! Don't have a place to stay? God will provide that, too. If God didn't want you to come to Washington D.C. and party on January 20, would God have made Barack Obama your president?


A lot of people, these days, do not believe the very important part on American Money that says "One Nation Under God." They think it's fine to spend all day playing "Guitar Hero," or other pornography on the Wii, because why not, who has a job these days, and there's an extension cord running from the neighbor's house.

Well, one day that neighbor is going to get a foreclosure notice, too, and the electricity will be cut off there, too.

Then what will you people do, with your time? Why not March on Washington now, so at least you'll have a great story to tell to your kids or whatever, one day, at the hospital?

Many events will be "open to the public." For example, you are free to somehow get to D.C. and stand around on the National Mall. Sounds fun! Yet you should know that our National Mall isn't a "mall" in the traditional sense of being a big long shopping center with vacant department stores on either side and some "scrap-booking" shops and an old person's shoe store inside.

No, our National Mall is just some freezing dead grass, outside, next to a very cold river often filled with icebergs and corpses. There's a huge marble phallus in the center of the "mall,", and some other stuff far away in the "tide pool." Also, there's a special museum featuring old props from popular teevee shows of the 1970s, and another museum about the Holocaust. In other words, it is the travel experience of a lifetime.

Many people who live in Washington all year 'round don't really have a place to live. It's fine! And much of Washington is actually a run-down burned-out "urban area," where tragic people somehow manage to exist, even though there's really not much in the way of "hope." Also, there are five million diseased rats prowling the icy swamp, day and night, and Dick Cheney is still loose.

See you at the U.S. Capitol!

Ken Layne is a longtime resident of Washington and currently serves as the editor of Wonkette, a think tank journal published by the New American Century for American Progress.