As Washington Parties, Obama Saves America

Such a busy week of drinking champagne and wearing tuxedos, in our nation's finest city -- the actual capital of the whole country, in fact! There might be a Depression in the old, bitter America, but Washington has been a non-stop fancy-dress cocktail party for the rich and the semi-rich, and it was awesome.

Remember when everybody used to act like they hated Washington? "Wah wah, Washington lobbyists hurt my butt, wah, taxes, Clinton," etc.? Those days are sure over, forever! Just as Middle America went from absolute loathing of New York to an infantile weeping flag-draped teddy bear hug for New York after 9/11, the whole United States now 100% loves and admires our beautiful outdoor museum of Democracy, so carefully planned by the actual Father of Our Country.

But instead of plane-flying terrorists changing peoples' attitudes about Manhattan, we have train-riding patriots making proud citizens feel a new, overwhelming love for D.C. After a dramatic railway journey from Philadelphia, Barack Obama and his team of superheroes arrived in Washington, led a fantastic weeklong party, and then quickly went to work saving not only America, but the world.

Like most everyone in D.C., I haven't exactly been following the news since Tuesday. When you're having sushi and champagne for breakfast, with Beyonce, you're not really going to be checking up on Wolf Blitzer or Andrew Sullivan or whatever. But as this citywide orgy of style and hope rolls into the weekend, it's wise to take a moment and check up on President Obama's progress. Who knows, he may have put Americans on Mars by now!

What have you done for us, Barack Obama?

* "President Barack Obama on Friday lifted restrictions on U.S. government funding for groups that provide abortion services or counseling abroad." He saved an entire industry!

* In a friendly conversation with No. 2 House Republican Eric Cantor, about the Republicans not wanting to help poor people, Obama said, "We just have a difference here, and I'm president." And Cantor laughed! Obama brought back bipartisanship!

* With the stroke of his pen, our new president ordered the closing of the Guantanamo Bay torture prison in Cuba. He brought freedom to Cuba!

* In his famous inaugural speech, President Obama bravely restored the legacy of our Founding Father "nonbelievers," finally bringing peace and dignity to George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams and so many other American giants who frowned upon religious superstitions.

* Barack Obama visited the White House reporters, and made them all understand the power of sexual love, except for this one jerk from the Politico.

Thank you, Mr. President! Next week will be better still!

Ken Layne is general counsel for the Institute of Wealth Studies, and hosts the literary salon Wonkette from his Georgetown parlor.