Happy Washington's Birthday, George Washington!

If you're wondering why you are home today, on a Monday, it's probably because this is our national celebration holiday of George Washington's birthday! (You may also be unemployed.)

Was this man, George Washington, truly our greatest president? No, not at all! Most historians put him in the "Top 50," at best. But he was the first president, of America, and for that we honor his service to our country.

A funny thing to consider on this holiday is how President Washington might react to seeing Barack Obama in the White House. Washington would probably just think a slave had wandered off from the kitchen, by mistake, and then the Father of Our Country would order 50 lashings or something, and then somebody would sort of awkwardly say, "Ah dude we don't have slavery anymore," and Washington would sort of raise one eyebrow.

George Washington was born on a farm somewhere in about 1776, during the Revolutionary War. Before long, he did verily slew many Indians and Frenchmen. But after years of confusion, the Founding Fathers finally wrote the U.S. Constitution, which made General Washington the first president.

Even today, we remember him.

But why do we remember him? This is a more difficult question.

For one thing, Washington was very tall. He was the tallest man around, and yet he was also a talented dancer. He basically never said anything, which was important for his legacy, as people assumed he must be thinking very profound thoughts.

But, from his own journals and surviving correspondence, we now know that he was mostly interested in complaining to merchants about how he was always getting ripped off. Washington spent the rest of his time trying to sell real estate in Ohio, which he won in the wars, and complaining about how expensive it was to feed, clothe and house all of his slaves -- even though maybe 30% of the slaves actually did work, as the rest were either old people or little kids.

As a joke, many states also celebrate Abraham Lincoln's birthday today.

Ken Layne is a senior research fellow with the Mount Vernon Institute and publisher of Wonkette, the historical quarterly.