The Following Things Are Definitely Not Torture

What comprises torture? Aside from John Ashcroft gospel records, it can be hard to quantify. Perhaps it's best to heed the words of the late Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who, though unable to apply a definition to the term, remarked: "I know it when I see it."

Except that upon further research, it appears that Justice Stewart was talking about hard-core pornography. So we're back at square one.

Well, to help us along, here's a list, via the Washington Post article "Red Cross Described 'Torture' at CIA Jails," of things that are definitely not torture...

* Waterboarding

* Routine beatings

* Constant exposure to music at deafening volumes

* Deprivation of sleep and solid food "for days on end"

* Dousing prisoners with freezing water, wrapping them in a plastic sheet, and leaving them there until the next interrogation

Okay, okay. We can hear a couple of you Red Cross terrorists bitching and moaning that this is the very definition of torture. Well to the contrary, pinkos, this is the definition of what isn't torture. Why? Because these actions were carried out by Americans, and our former president, George W. Bush distinctly said: "The United States of America does not torture." And he would never lie.

Anyway, we're not done yet. The following things are also not torture...

* Forcing prisoners to "stand for days, with their arms shackled above them, wearing only diapers"

* Stripping them naked and leaving them in cold, damp cells

* Locking inmates "in coffin-like wooden boxes" and forcing them to crouch for hours with no light and limited air supply

* Dragging prisoners by a leash and collar and slamming them head-first into walls

What, are you seriously still whining out there? Now you say you read the Third Geneva Convention, which convinced you that this stuff is torture even though George W. Bush has said more times than we can count: "We do not torture"?

Alright, you forced our hand. If Bush wasn't good enough for you, it's time for the big trump card. Guess who else has declared none of this is torture?

Dick Cheney. Boo-ya!

We take it from your silence that you concede that we are right.

Either that or you've been stripped naked, doused in freezing water and wrapped in a plastic sheet, in which case you'll need to speak louder.