Obama Effectively Fires GM's CEO

Ready to shake up the floundering auto industry, and determined to fire someone other than Timothy Geithner, President Obama announced a dramatic layoff at General Motors, consisting of a single individual...

The company's CEO, Rick Wagoner.

The Obama administration has forced the longtime head of General Motors to resign and said yesterday that it would withhold additional federal aid to the auto industry unless the ailing companies undertake changes they so far have been unwilling or unable to make.

Wagoner's nine rocky years at GM were characterized by multiple failures-- from ignoring the trend toward lighter, more fuel efficient vehicles, to running up massive debt with little to show for it, to greenlighting multiple versions of the Pontiac Aztek, which is hands-down the ugliest car to ever disgrace our nation's roadways.

Now in the previous presidential administration, such gross incompetence would result in being named the head of FEMA, but Obama is playing by different rules. He's decided that not only does he get to name a cabinet, sign bills into law, and control the military, he also gets to fire people who don't even work for him!

Suddenly Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) is getting some competition in the badass department.

In other news, Obama announced that Apple's Steve Jobs would be demoted to sales clerk, Charlie Sheen's Two and a Half Men character was getting killed off, and UNC coach Roy Williams has to give Ty Lawson more playing time for the sake of the First Bracket.