Encyclopedia Cheney to Solve the Case of the Missing Terrorist Attacks

Move over, federal investigators! Idaville's finest boy detective is on the case!

"Encyclopedia" Dick Cheney has launched his own personal investigation into the mysterious case of the tortured terror suspects. Working for 25 cents a day (plus expenses), Cheney has vowed to crack the case before neighborhood bully Eric "Bugs Meany" Holder destroys the evidence.

Former vice president Richard B. Cheney is asking for the release of two CIA reports in his bid to marshal evidence that coercive interrogation tactics such as waterboarding helped thwart terrorist plots, according to documents released yesterday by the National Archives and Records Administration.

Cheney, who has emerged as an outspoken critic of Obama's national security policies, said in an interview on Fox News this week that he had asked for the release of documents that "lay out what we learned through the interrogation process" and how it saved U.S. lives.

The request applies to CIA reports issued on July 13, 2004, and June 1, 2005, that were held in a file marked "detainees" inside the office of the vice president, according to archives documents. Cheney's initial request said the reports were eight and 13 pages long, respectively; archives staff determined they are 12 and 19 pages long, including attachments.

In addition to the top-secret reports, Encyclopedia Cheney has also reportedly obtained several important clues, including a rare bird feather and a letter written in disappearing ink that is almost definitely on former president Bill Clinton's stationery.