U.S. Government to Announce There Is No Swine Flu

Yes, you read that correctly. There is no swine flu, folks. End of story.

Well okay... here's the thing, techincally speaking. See, there really is a deadly flu ripping across North America, but do you have any idea how much pork industry lobbyists contribute to federal politicians each year?

Therefore, the government is going to rename the swine flu. The one criterion is something that doesn't kill the public's appetite for cooked pig...

U.S. officials said Tuesday they may abandon the term swine flu, for fear it's confusing people into thinking they could catch it from pork - which is flat-out wrong...

Groups representing the pork industry - including the National Pork Producers Council, the National Pork Board and the American Meat Institute - have all been in talks with the Agriculture Department asking officials to discourage the name "swine flu" and to reassure the public that pork is safe.

So is that clear, America? Yes, there is a flu, and yes, you should also order seconds on those ribs.

Of course, since no one reads newspapers, listens to the radio or talks to other humans anymore-- they just Twitter-- Sen. Charles "Dark Side" Grassley (R-IA) has compressed the news into a "Tweet" for the tech-savvy among us. It reads...

U can't get swine flu fr eating pork. Eatup. Regardless of epidemic

Thank you, Senator! We just hope the new flu name the government picks is 140 characters or less so that you can provide an update Tweet.

In conclusion, friends, stop calling it swine flu. The good people at the American Meat Institute and their government benefactors would hate to see you meet your now-imminent death from ghastly, eviscerating influenza without first enjoying a delicious last meal of bacon and sausage.

And besides, if it was pork consumption that killed you, we would have used this space to write Rep. Jack Murtha's obituary.