Jesus Retires From Department of Defense

Ever since George W. Bush left office, we've been noticing a dearth of tactical weapons experts at the Pentagon. For much of Bush's eight years, we were treated to war savants like Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, his "special" assistant Douglas Feith and Iraq War architect Paul Wolfowitz-- all of whom have presumably gone on to bigger and better things.

But the greatest loss at Defense has to be Bush's personal favorite military tactician, Jesus Christ. Whether he was healing the sick, feeding the hungry or crafting the "shock and awe" strategy with Air Force Maj. Gen. Glen Shaffer, the Son of God was always an inspiration to our nation's warmongers.

But now that there's a secret Muslim in office, it seems that Jesus is just going to have to go back to healing the sick...

The Pentagon said Monday it no longer includes a Bible quote on the cover page of daily intelligence briefings it sends to the White House as was practice during the Bush administration...

For a period in 2003, at least, the daily reports prepared for President George W. Bush carried quotes from the books of Psalms and Ephesians and the epistles of Peter. At the time, the reports focused largely on the war in Iraq...

On Thursday, April 10, 2003, for example, the report quoted the book of Psalms: "Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him. ... To deliver their soul from death," and featured pictures of the statue of Saddam Hussein being pulled down and celebrating crowds in Baghdad.

Although Biblical scholars have long agreed that in the little-known unabridged version of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus clearly implicates Saddam Hussein for seeking "significant quantities of uranium from Africa," others point out that all written evidence we have of Jesus' words reveals a man who was perhaps the world's ultimate pacifist.

With that in mind, perhaps his Pentagon replacement should be a deity a little better versed in the task at hand... for instance, Mars.