Sarah Palin 2013: A Look Ahead

It is noon, Jan. 20, 2013. Sarah Palin raises her right hand to be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States.


Palin had won a decisive victory over the incumbent, Barack Obama. The country was still trapped in economic rubble, and voters had tired of Obama's campaign slogan, "I Inherited This."

The experts debated whether this was a recession with 10 percent unemployment or a depression with 100 percent malaise.

By far the largest voting bloc in the United States turned against Obama -- those who had no health insurance, which was everyone but government workers. The rich paid for their medical care at hospitals within their barricaded communities.

Reform efforts had collapsed when Republicans successfully used the "socialism" label to tarnish any proposed changes.

On the other side, Democrats couldn't agree on anything. Every attempt to reach political compromise had been poisoned by the ideological-purity demands from those on the left.

After years as co-host of "The Jerry Springer Show," Sarah Palin had returned to the fray and run an unstoppable campaign. She had assembled a brilliant staff. The only requirement was that no one could have ever worked for John McCain.

In the primaries she swept aside Mitt Romney and Bobby Jindal. It was really no contest: Both opponents literally put nationwide audiences to sleep even before debate anchors-commentators got to the YouTube questions.

Palin convinced Newt Gingrich to join her on the ticket as vice president by promising he'd really be in charge of the administration -- similar to the arrangement between Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

Gingrich had filled a key role in the campaign, holding together the all-important bigot base by repeatedly calling Obama a racist.

He would be joined in the White House hierarchy by the new president's husband, Todd, who would continue his traditional role of chief of staff, a job he'd gotten by sleeping with the boss (Sarah, not Newt).

As president-elect, Palin had already named her attorney general, lawyer and Fox News host Greta Van Susteren, a reward for years of unwavering support. Van Susteren immediately announced a task force to find missing blondes. It would be chaired by Nancy Grace.

Van Susteren's husband, John Coale, would continue to operate the Palin Legal Defense Fund which, by now, was valued in the billions as new ethics charges piled up, along with billable hours.

Press Secretary Sean Hannity announced that following the inauguration, the new president would go fishing for salmon. In the Potomac. Then she would call the Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, her old neighbor.

But first, the swearing in. This time Chief Justice Roberts was flawless, putting all the words in their proper order as he administered the oath.

In tent cities around the nation, Americans gathered to watch on giant TV screens brought in because their sets had been repossessed. The United States celebrated its first female president.

In her inaugural address, President Palin insisted that the chief executive should represent not just the women of the nation but "all those guys out there who think I'm hot."

With that, she resigned.