In Praise of Mothers-In-Law

After reading Michelle's lovely tribute to her husband's 79-year-old mother, Miriam Helf, who died recently, I am moved to put down my hanky and say something about mothers-in-law in general. The job has historically gotten a bad rap.

Michelle describes a grandmother whose son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren lived here in Washington, D.C., and with whom she maintained an affectionate, long-distance connection. In addition, Mrs. Helf cultivated loving relationships among the people in her Syracuse, N.Y., community, particularly those she saw at the grocery store where residents regularly gathered. Last week her extended emotional network, blood relatives and adopted relations alike, gathered to comfort each other in mourning her unexpected demise.

I have very little experience in the in-law department, but I believe the etiquette is complicated. I never inadvertently became the rival of my husband's eccentric mother, a situation some new brides struggle to resolve. Though my son and daughter are adults, they are both single (Do you know anyone?), so I have yet to turn into an unexpected challenge either brings into his or her marriage. I think in most multi-generational families, women new to in-law status act the role of a devoted relative, until a genuine emotional connection eventually develops. But again, my experience in these roles is scant.

My husband's mother, Donna Grady, came from independent Montana pioneer stock. When he married me, a woman with a teenage daughter, she kept her distance so as not to impose on his new family. I appreciated the respectful space she afforded me and made no effort to close it.

I have observed my own mother in her long-running role as mother-by-marriage to her four offspring's accumulated three wives and one husband. In my Jewish family distance-keeping is an unfamiliar concept so, unsurprisingly, boundary infractions have occurred over the years with each of her children's spouses. My mother, now in her mid-80s, has also been an excellent grandmother and great-grandmother to all our children, however, and currently occupies a place of genuine affection in the hearts of my sisters-in-law and husband.

My mother-in-law died several years ago and, though I know her intimately through my husband's stories, I regret never being like a daughter to her.