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eHarmony Is Just Not That Into Me

2 years ago
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Emily Miller
Emily Miller
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As if dating and breakups aren't painful enough, I have topped my own spotted romantic history by being dumped by a computer program. The online dating service eHarmony rejected me as incompatible with any of its millions of other users. Ouch.

As I'm the last of my girlfriends to get married, I'm subjected to all kinds of advice. And as anyone who is single will tell you, the most annoying thing your married friends ask is: "Have you tried online dating?" Married people think they can solve all the woes of the single girl with their simplistic, impersonal suggestion to try online dating.

Shanti asks: "Why don't you at least look at who is on match.com?" Heather e-mails: "Have you tried eHarmony? I heard that it is better than Match. I have a feeling that on Match, they are all married."

(Perhaps also a myth, but a lot of friends have told me that Match.com is known for married men pretending to be single, and for women using decades-old, deceptively flattering pictures, and then shocking their dates in person.)

Successful marriages resulting from online dating are the urban legends of the computer age – everyone has a story, but try to source it back, and you can never find the actual couple. It's always a friend of a friend of a friend who found the love of his/her life online.

One friend went to an "eHarmony wedding," but thought the source of the couple's online meeting was the bride's father. As far as I know, they hooked up in a bar.

Not one of my married girlfriends met her husband online, but in other ways, such as at parties, through mutual friends, on blind dates – or in Washington, at political fundraisers, Hill receptions, campaign trails. But just to get them off my case with these online dating demands, I decided to test the waters with eHarmony.

I chose eHarmony over Match because it provides you possible matches based on deeper issues -- values, interests, goals, religious beliefs, family – as opposed to Match, which allows you to choose your own dates based on data such as height, weight, salary, education level, oh, and of course, looks.

eHarmony was founded in 2000 by clinical psychologist Dr. Neil Clark Warren, who states on his Web site that after years of compatibility research and years of counseling married couples, he came up with this service which gives matches "based on key dimensions of personality that are scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier long-term relationships."

So, Match is all about the appearance and worldly success, and eHarmony is about the meeting of the souls (cue the violin-playing angels).

Had I known before I went online that the meeting of souls includes a questionnaire that takes almost an hour to complete, I might have reverted back to the superficial looks Web site, but once I got started, I wanted to finish. The 258 questions were very nuanced on rating my values, interests, priorities; it took a lot of thought and introspection.

After thinking deep thoughts about myself, entering the most honest information, really delving deeply into my psyche, I finally completed the questionnaire and hit "finish."

I waited a few seconds while the Web site did its figures and estimates and analyses, and spit out eHarmony suggestions for my future husband.

The result was flat-out rejection. I swear that this was cut-and-pasted from the Web page: "Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched."

Rubbing it in, the eHarmony rejection continued with: "This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time."

So, let me get this right. Out of their supposed 20 million registered users, there is not one single guy who would be compatible with me? Not ONE?

And, with eHarmony, there are no second chances. I can't pay to get some second-tier husband options.

It doesn't let me go back to the questions to see if I accidentally wrote something about devil worship or a criminal record. Gosh, I can't even go on a date with someone with whom I'm not compatible, just to see if there's at least attraction.

Nope, this breakup is final.

The company states it rejects people for being married, gay, underage, dishonest or – my category -- "When we do not have confidence that eHarmony's Compatibility Matching System can help a person establish a strong, satisfying and long-lasting relationship."

While I can't blame discrimination for my eHarmony rejection, the site has been the subject of discrimination suits for not accepting homosexual singles. It also is accused of having a conservative bias as the site's founder, Dr. Warren, is a devout Christian.

The company has said that it does not accept gay singles because the science on compatibility was only tested on male-female relationships. In November 2008, the company settled a discrimination suit brought by the New Jersey attorney general three years earlier.

The company did not admit to breaking the law, but legal counsel Theodore B. Olson said in a statement after announcing the settlement: "Even though we believed that the complaint resulted from an unfair characterization of our business, we ultimately decided it was best to settle this case with the Attorney General since litigation outcomes can be unpredictable."

As part of the settlement agreement, eHarmony launched a homosexual matchmaking site in March 2009 called Compatible Partners.

But, as a never-married, conservative, Christian, heterosexual, white female, I can't cite any reasons for my rejection other than, well, me. Like the line from "Sex and the City" goes, eHarmony is just not that into me.

Maybe it's time to start my own Web site: UnMatchable.com.

Or maybe I just need to consider the upside of my very brief online dating experience: I can tell my friends to lay off that suggestion, and they could look harder for a nice, funny, smart guy for me to date.

Follow Emily Miller on Twitter.

Filed Under: Gay Rights, Woman Up, Culture
Tagged: christian, compatibility, compatibility partners, CompatibilityPartners, dating, eharmony, eharmony.com, gay marriage, gay rights, GayMarriage, GayRights, homosexual, marriage, match.com, on-line dating, On-lineDating, single, wedding
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