10 Things Non-Foodies Need to Know About Food

1) To quote the late Dr. Spock: You know more than you think you do. Some "health" food tastes so bad that your inner voice is practically screaming, "You're killing me!" Ignore this voice at your peril.

2) When everything in your kitchen looks unappetizing, you can always bake a potato and slather it in butter, cheese, sour cream and whatever minced green thing you can find. The experts say it's low protein, but there must be a middle ground of faux protein, because that baby hits the spot.

3) Find the best stone-baked pizzeria in your town and ask about their specials. Probably Monday. Probably three pizzas for the price of two. That will get a couple through half a week.

4) Never buy another box of cold cereal in your life. Never! They're full of sugar. They're stale. They get soggy. They're expensive. What's to love? All you need is some old-fashioned oats and some dried blueberries, dried cherries, raisins, pecans and walnuts. Add two cups of water to one cup of oats, fruits and nuts, and zap for three minutes. Add a little half and half. You're good for four hours.

5) Jettison your tiny, shiny green silos and instead keep a block of Parmesan cheese on hand. Grate it immediately before using on cooked pasta, a few chopped vegetables, extra-virgin olive oil. You've got a meal.

6) If you're a vegetarian, you have my admiration. I tried. For three years I ate cottage cheese, soy and all manner of protein, but I was still hungry all the time. Evolution is slow, it turns out. But you can get by on Amish eggs or meat from the Happy Hippie Farm every other day or even every three days.

7) In moderation, coffee is food. Wine is food. Aged, imported cheese is food. Expensive bread from the local bakery is food. High quality chocolate is food. Life is short. Laissez les bon temps roulez.

8) Never buy pre-packaged salads. Never! The lettuce is old, dried out and bland. All you need is a head of Romaine and some croutons made from your leftover bread. Add some olive oil and balsamic vinegar. Grate some cheese. Throw in a few sliced fruits and vegetables from the farmers market. DO NOT buy grocery store tomatoes. The ripe ones are mushy and lack flavor. The unripe ones are hard and lack flavor. You may as well cut your dollar bills into ribbons and use them for packing material.

9) Buy cane sugar and make your own hummingbird nectar (one part sugar to four parts water). Their dogfights are the best entertainment in town.

10) Always have on hand: potatoes, jalapenos, bell pepper, onions, garlic, organic bacon or ham and cajun seasoning. That skillet dish is so easy you can make it while you discussing your non-retirement retirement with your significant other.

And because I'm a fan of Nigel on This Is Spinal Tap, here's 11) "One time I lived a whole month on bananas and milk." A college friend said this to me, and I've been waiting decades for a pretext to use it.