The How-To Guide for Improving the Health Care Bill

In the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, Thanksgiving pumpkin pie, responsible journalism and the inability to read one more word about the public option or the Stupak amendment (don't ask), here are some legislative improvements guaranteed to break the Senate logjam:

The Page-Count Adjustment:

Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell was on television Sunday railing against what is unquestionably the worst single element in the health-care bill – its length. "What we don't think America wants is another 2,000-page bill. We don't think that's the way to go," filibuster supporter McConnell declared in a clarion call for brevity. The Senate bill is undeniably wordy. Its title, "The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act," could easily be shortened to the "Patience and Fortitude Act."

But far more politically potent would be a save-the-trees reduction in the bill's type size. Just switch to the font that health-insurance companies routinely use to explain why coverage for emergency open-heart surgery is being denied. Add in a few tricks with margins and spacing, and soon McConnell would be reduced to decrying the un-American horrors of a 17-page health-reform bill

The Joe Lieberman Relief Act:

Every time Lieberman, the Democrats' 2000 vice-presidential nominee, threatens to bolt his party on a key vote, liberal activists demand that the Connecticut senator be stripped of his chairmanship of the Senate Homeland Security Committee. It is an empty threat, since the Democratic leadership knows that it has no choice but to tolerate the Lieberman's vexing style (he campaigned for John McCain for president) if it ever hopes to win his vote. Now Lieberman is threatening to join the Republican filibuster because of his principled opposition to the public option. (It is, of course, coincidental that many leading insurance companies are based in Connecticut.)

The best way to insure Lieberman's support for final passage is to give the Connecticut independent what he wants most of all: chairmanship insurance. All it would take is a brief amendment (which even McConnell might support) granting Lieberman lifetime stewardship of the Homeland Security Committee, regardless of what party controls the Senate or what party he caucuses with. Just to avoid any wrenching future transitions, Lieberman would also get to keep his chairmanship even if he is defeated for reelection in 2012.

The Ask-Your-Doctor Tax:

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid's brave attempt to place a 5-percent surcharge on cosmetic surgery (a Bo-Tax) has led to a predictable uproar from voters sympathetic to self-improvement. A far more effective way to raise revenue (and eliminate any accusations of gender bias) is to slap a 25-percent tax on all visits to the doctor that are inspired by watching drug-company ads. Just because a TV pitchman tells you to "Ask your doctor if Placebo is right for you . . ." does not mean that you have to clog up the medical system with your gullibility and hypochondria. The tax would double to 50 percent if the ad in question featured a virile-looking late-middle-aged guy throwing a football through an inner tube or showed a filled-with-ardor couple in his-and-her outdoor bath tubs. And if a man feels compelled to brag to his physician about side effects lasting more than four hours, then the surcharge would extend to 100 percent.

The Young Immortals Safety Net:

It is nearly impossible for any reform plan to work if the healthiest Americans (those under 35) refuse to buy insurance because they have convinced themselves that the normal rules of human decay do not apply to people as special as themselves. When the Senate bill finally phases in (just in time for the 2016 presidential election), individuals who stubbornly refuse to buy insurance would have to pay a $750-a-year fine. But that is not much of a financial deterrent.

Far more effective would be an amendment requiring anyone who refuses to buy health insurance to be sheathed from head to toe in ugly foam padding. The laudable public policy goal would be to protect the young from accidents and to avoid their expensive-for-the-rest-of-us trips to hospital emergency rooms. A better option, once the technology is perfected, is to require the young to choose either buying insurance or strapping on a personal airbag that would inflate with every stumble in a pick-up basketball game and every accident while mountain biking.

Many other aspects of the health-care bill also could benefit from creative re-jiggering. An obvious contradiction exists between the anti-obesity provisions of the legislation and the effort to eliminate the so-called "donut hole" in the Medicare prescription drug program. An easy fix would be to combine the reduction in prescription drug costs with a ban on the serving of donuts in senior citizens centers that receive federal funding.

Obvious improvements like these are examples of why the coming Senate debate will be so uplifting for all Americans, regardless of political views. The never-ending quest for betterment is built into our national character and led America to tame the frontier, conquer outer space and win the Cold War. Watching this same restless drive for perfection be applied to the health-care bill should make us grateful for the Mod Squad of Senate moderates who do so well by doing so little while they anguish so loudly.