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Levi Johnston, Put Your Pants On

5 years ago
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Seriously, Levi, put on your pants.

You posed nude. Things got out of hand. You got in over your head, got bad advice, let the attention flatter you. You were tempted by the easy money and the first-class travel, I understand. I'm sure it's difficult for an unemployed and uneducated young man to resist such enticing persuasion. That said, you need to get out of the shower and clean up your act. It's fine to have an appetite for publicity, but that's no reason to be infamous. There can be no good end to this course you've taken.
Porn is a huge industry in the United States. Playgirl Magazine is a player in that universe, and now, Levi, so are you. You are the Fleshbot awardee of an "11-inch dildo made of silver." The porn magazine that hired you has over 200 "arty," unclothed images of you for sale, several accessorized by a hockey stick. They will be releasing them to the public in a slow dribble.
I'm not saying adult entertainment isn't viable commerce, it's just really distasteful: ugly, exploitive, abusive and yes, dirty. They may be paying you what feels like a lot of money, (OK, $100,000 is a lot of money -- although I wonder how much of a cut goes to Sherman "Tank" Jones, your mentor, handler, spokesperson, business manager and bodyguard). But is it enough to make yourself into a punch line?

If political matters completely out of your control had not happened in the summer of 2008, most likely you'd have lived a quiet, unremarkable life in the wilds of Alaska. This opposite, media-centric version of Levi life you're experiencing is bound to be more interesting, but it is perilous and carries almost certain disappointment. When normalcy vanished, maybe turning yourself into a commodity was the only option you saw, but think about it. You have one important thing at the center of your life besides yourself: you are the father of a little boy. You didn't plan that. Abstinence is a great concept but it's bad preparation.

Such mistakes happen. When yours did, I don't know whether you and Bristol considered other scenarios beyond the one her parents laid out for you. (If ever there was an argument to explore reproductive options, it was yours.) But that's all history. However things transpired, you now have a tiny son, Tripp, 11 months old, who will need a dad. Act like you could be one.

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