Motherhood Does What It Can

Thanks, Lizzie, for a realistic assessment of the standard mothers are held to. One thing I'm increasingly aware of is how being a "good enough" mother, as conceptualized by D.W. Winnicott 50-plus years ago, is the way to work oneself out of the job of mothering. Tsing-Loh quotes writer Therese Borchard on the subject of Winnicott, whose "good-enough" approach to mothering Borchard describes as follows:

He [Winnicott] didn't talk about starting a three-year-old with Suzuki violin lessons, ensuring that my eight-year-old never ever has to wear a dirty soccer uniform to a game, or buying your teen the designer clothing and big-screen TV everyone else has. Winnicott's prescription was devotion-abiding, affectionate attention. Lead with your heart. . . . And so . . . I've stopped asking myself, "Do I do enough?" I ask instead, "Do I lead with my heart?"

I've come to believe that if mothers are good enough -- that is, if they are attuned to their children and lead with their hearts to monitor this attunement -- they will promote in their children the development of self-efficacy and industry that builds towards mature independence. That mothering process is, in effect, the story of the child's path to individuation and separation. Things go awry when parents decide that kids can perform the tasks of human development without any direction or coaching from the sidelines. I truly believe that the more effective parents are in the early years, the sooner they become "unnecessary" to their children -- because their children have internalized their good-enough parenting. The big question for our generation is how to separate our adult need to be "good" or "competent" from the child's need for us as parents to be present and attentive.