Airport Security: Joke's on Us!

Our PD colleague Ria Misra has pointed out the sketchiness of the recently announced airport-screening policy for would-be terrorists, and I can dig the ickiness of what effectively amounts to racial profiling. Still, I'm saving my rants for the ineptitude of the Transportation Security Administration.

I was supposed to fly home from Mumbai, India, on Jan. 4, but found out a few hours before I was to take off that my flight home had been canceled because of the Mystery Bozo who "breached security" at the Newark, N.J., airport this weekend. All the flights had been canceled or rescheduled.

My first thought was: How did Mystery Bozo get away? Having been to my fair share of airports, there really are only a few places you can hide out in an any given airport terminal: the magazine section of Hudson News, Cinnabon, or, if you're lucky, face down at a massage chair in the airport spa. Did Mystery Bozo know something I didn't?

My second thought was why is it that someone -- anyone -- can walk the wrong way through an exit lane? Don't they make, uh, doors for this sort of thing? Doors that perhaps open only in one direction? Maybe these doors are too crazy for the TSA to imagine, I don't know.

Third, what about the security guard who went to eat a cheese sandwich or do something equally pressing while he was supposed to be guarding airport passengers from would-be terrorists? I mean, if you can't get fired for that, what can you get fired for? And on that note: I wondered if there were more openings for security guards who don't actually need to secure anything. If so, this sounds like a good job for me.

Having nothing but the above thoughts to entertain myself, Tuesday found me on a flight heading from India to the United States, with, surprise, a boatload of security! Is there such thing as good security and bad security? Weeks ago I would have said, Well, there's good security and not-so-great security, but readers, I can attest: There is such thing as bad security.

Bad security involves individual pat-downs for every passenger, without requiring the removal of jackets or scarves or shoes.

Bad security involves the opening of wallets and rolled-up newspapers but not the large, zippered pockets on carry-on bags.

Bad security involves guards who are befuddled by a set of house keys. (This is the kind of bad security I experienced Tuesday).

But really bad security is giving the impression of security when no one is really, truly any safer at all.

Unless the TSA is prepared to do a wholesale reconfiguration of the way in which we travel -- which will include, yes, targeting certain citizens, enduring longer, person-to-person hand checks, running fewer flights and having more delays -- then who are we kidding? We might as well just eat a cheese sandwich and look the other way.