Desire....The opposite is death. So do you wonder? How could you possibly wonder!
-Blanche DuBois
Dear Haiti,
I thought I would write you as
A beautiful but destitute woman:
Everyone wanted you; no one would marry you.
No one dared marry you,
Not that you cared for marriage.
But you are not that woman.
So, then I tried Hemingway-
No, better Graham Greene-
Breakfasts of kumquats and rhum-coke calm;
A strange epoch in which time stood still
Save for the slow decay of the gingerbread porch.
But that was all just picked up from what I read later.
Next, I looked for something in your shapes:
There was your physical form, a Siamese twin
Trying to wrest herself free, to be on her own;
Or, there was the way your name sounds like Hades in English,
And in French, like high ,
And when you say it, like I .
But no accent or point of view quite captured you.
The truth is I don't remember you in a word or a story.
And, being away from you for so long,
My memory has had to filter through all the talk
Of impatient longings to write your ending.
I thought I would write you tragically,
But that too was a borrowed impulse.
Still, there is a tone, a quality of sound,
Of air, a sensibility that stays with me.
You taught me to see colors
I cannot find anywhere else.
The closest I've come-
A dusty turquoise, let's say-
Is always slightly too muted or too dark.
The pinks are too aggressive - not your pink.
But sometimes, when the daylight is warm and wide,
I'll notice I'm wearing your colors,
Painting the streets with them,
Giving them away to friends.
You are a gorgeous one. Everyone agrees.
I remember your beasts and your flowers,
Though I can't recall their names.
I can still hum pieces of your lullabies,
Though I couldn't sing them from start to end.
Even now I can ask for ice cream in your creole,
But I wouldn't know how to write it down.
And, after all this time, I can still picture
Your steamy mountains,
Your beaches of black sand
Sparkling like powdered onyx,
Your women carrying
Heavy loads on their heads. No hands!
In your care, I learned to do it too.
Now I see you. There you are
Walking up the hill
Balancing a basket of fruit on your head.
You cannot find your children.
You will keep looking, I know.
I was a sensual child in your lap.
We are all like that with you.
We all love to touch your world.
You will keep walking up the hill.
I have seen you do it before.
You are stronger than your buildings.
Your head is level. Your babies are laughing.
Nelly Lambert, a Ph.D. student in English and American literature at Catholic University, lived in Haiti as a child, from 1983-1987