The Un-Divorce: When Leaving Your Marriage Is Just Too Much Work

It seems that people don't seem to understand that you must work at marriage just as hard as you do taking care of your kids, running a business, or any other worthwhile endeavor. I do understand not divorcing someone when they are sick and need your medical insurance or being older and deciding it is not worth the hassel to divorce.
My mother was married over 25 years to my father and now is married for more than 27 years to my stepfather. Thankfully she instilled in me how important it is to be able to take care of myself and after divorcing, my income has continued to increase almost every year. I do not have a fear that I won't be able to provide for myself or my children. And eventually I may even remarry. Being single is not better than being married, it is just different. I can say that if I remarry and I'm over 60 and it isn't working out, then it will be an undivorce because there is no way I'm divorcing and starting over again. It is easier to start over again when you are young.

These posts don't day how old they were when they got married. That I think makes a difference. People who marry after the age of 28 or 30 have had time to develop themselves, travel a little, have a careeer, meet lots more people from different walks of life. People who marry young are immature of what they bring to a marriage and what is expected from a spouse. I can't say for sure but I bet all those below who are unhappy married under the age of 25. Just my thought.

This article is a breath of fresh air! After 34 years of marriage some of us are exactly that, just roommates! And this I believe will happen only to those marriages that have been unfaithful and if there was any type of abuse in their relationship with each other. Whether physical, verbal, drug or alcohol related. Of course people will fall out of love with each other when they constantly abuse each other, and or lie to each other. At this point in life, after time and time again, we must face reality and our true options. Divorce or just stay and accept life as it was, as it is and as it will be, unless we can find the means, the support and mainly the financial ability to leave an such an unworthy partner (person)

This has been a very interesting topic and I have read all the responses. There are so many who live separate lives after many years of marriage for all the reasons mentioned and many more. Is it what we believe will happen when we marry? No. But life is an adjustment on a daily basis and this is just one we humans have made. My fifty years have been crazy - some good, some bad, some fair. Each of us must make the decision that we can live with in relative peace and continue with a life that makes a positive statement while we are on this earth. Take care - be good to others and yourself.

As an un-divorced person and I find it works out well for us. We are still a family, our kids still have both parents full-time. We worked hard and built our mini-empire together and continue to enjoy it as we always have. It would be ashamed to have it all chopped up in a nasty divorce. At times it is difficult and not something that is possible for everyone. However we still have love and trust in each other, and will always take care one another no matter what as with any member of the family. We remain best friends, good working partners, and play as a family. But yet we also have this part of life that is our own. I attribute this doable situation to both of us striving to put the children first, good communication, honesty, and respect for one another. If there was constant fighting, control issues, or abuse, then continued living together would be out of the question. Almost every person I know has at some point cheated or continues to cheat, then masquerades as this overly perfect couple in public. Makes me ill..especially to know the truth behind the scenes. In the majority of couples, I think that honesty is the best policy. Put all the cards out on the table and work from there. More than likely someone will suffer some serious hurt and will heal, but certainly not like the kind of damage that's inflicted with the betrayal, anger, embarrassment, and mistrust which occurs when a cheater is caught. Most importantly I do not want my children to learn that marriage is a institution of secrets and lies. Children are smart, they usually know what's up, and in turn tend to take on the burden of carrying the secrets and lies of the parents, left to deal with it alone taking its toll on their emotional health. I know what that's like, I was one of those unfortunate children. Besides why get divorced.. how many of us would really want to remarry again?? What's the odds of something that lasts forever and still remains over-the-top?

In my case my wife and I only share an address and a bank acct. There is no feelings left on either side. When my wife heard the label "alcoholic" applied to me by a therapist, she later explained to me that in her Sicilian culture there is no intimacy permitted between a wife and an alcoholic husband. Even though I have not had a drink in 23 years and go to meetings and work a program of recovery there has been no intimacy of any kind in all that time. I mean no sex,kissing, or petting and almost no touching. Since we're both Catholic I'm stuck in this dead relationship until one of us dies. I'm 63 and hope I don't see my next birthday. I don't talk about it with my wife, but the depression is sometimes overwhelming. I don't know why I even post this comment except the subject of the article is so relevant. Thanks for listening.

I may live and be alone, but at least I am not spending my precious time with somebody that I don't truly wish to be with. I may not reap the benefits that I know marriage has to offer to a couple, but at least I earn enough money on my own, as a single person. I used to think prostitutes were a necessary evil - however, if I had to choose, I'd prefer being a well-treated escort who charges a fee, as opposed to a poorly-treated wife who works for free, if you get my drift. The people we love, are supposed to be the ones that we spend our money on and time with. Life is harsh, but I still believe that I will find true love, because I have come to the realization that I am worthy of being loved. Many of you in unhappy situations, truly feel that you don't deserve to be loved. This is untrue. You just have to keep an open mind, folks.

In many states, an arrangement called "Separate Maintainance" can be used for couples who do not wish to legally divorce. Unless one or both choose to re-marry, there is no need for a legal divorce. The benefits of marriage are tremendous: Social Security checks after death. Pension Plan beneficiaries after death. Life Insurance beneficiaries. Real Property ownership as joint tenants with right of survivorship. Even the right to run for congressional seat as a surviving spouse. There must be more advantages too numerous to mention.

My great grandparents had an un-divorce, I believe at my great grandmother's request. They were both Catholic Italians and divorce was looked down upon, although my great grandma's sister divorced and remarried more than once. I suppose she was more open to change, though, because at 90 she's still feisty as ever.

I am in a situation sort of like this. I moved out in 1998. My husband and I are the best of friends. He lives in the house we own, he can not afford to buy me out. I have adopted 3 children and bought a house. My health went downhill, I am on his insurance. We benefit each other. He helps me, I help him. And we love each other, but as friends. It works for us.