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Elizabeth and John Edwards, Partners in the End for the Family They Created

1 year ago
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Jill Lawrence
Jill Lawrence
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Elizabeth Edwards spent her final days in the round-the-clock company of her tearful husband, the two of them linked by family, tragedy and maybe even love, despite the stunning political soap opera that destroyed their marriage. It led to a legal separation, but not to separate lives.
Perhaps the most unexpected aspect of Elizabeth's death Tuesday at 61, from the cancer she had fought since 2004, was the presence of her estranged husband, John. She spent two years trying to make the marriage work after learning of his affair with Rielle Hunter, the videographer for his 2008 presidential campaign. The couple even renewed their vows in 2007 on their 30th anniversary.
Last January, after John finally admitted he was the father of Hunter's child and Elizabeth went to a hotel to meet the toddler, Elizabeth told her sister that "I've had it." The pair lived apart from then on -- but when her time grew short, he became a constant presence at the family home.
"He spent her last days with her pretty much around the clock," said Raleigh attorney Bonnie Weyher, a close friend of Elizabeth's since their law school days. "Obviously there was hurt and there was anger and all kinds of emotions. But in the end he was there with her. That speaks volumes."
The trajectory of this North Carolina couple is well known: They met as law students in Chapel Hill, got married, had a son, Wade, and a daughter, Cate. John gained spectacular success as a trial lawyer. Then the sharp turns: Wade's death at 16 in a freak car accident, their decision to have two more children late in life, John's upset win in a 1998 Senate race, the 2004 presidential campaign that catapulted him onto the national ticket with John Kerry, Elizabeth's cancer diagnosis the day after the 2004 election, the collapse of it all after a second presidential bid and three years of deception, and Elizabeth's controversial decisions to encourage her husband's 2008 campaign at two crucial junctures -- after learning of his affair at the tail end of 2006, and three months later when her cancer returned.

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After all that history, perhaps inevitably, their lives remained intertwined, even as Elizabeth scored him in print and interviews for his "terrible" behavior and his evolution from "that sweet man I loved for so long" to "the John of today." There was a practical element running through their interactions. Their two youngest children, Emma Claire and Jack, are only 12 and 10 years old. Their parents arranged visits, attended school events and sports games, talked logistics. "I really don't think a day went by when he wasn't in contact with her," Weyher said. "I think they talked every day, and if she needed something, he would help her with it."
Last summer, John went along when Elizabeth wanted to show her children Japan, where she had lived for nine years as a child in a Navy family. Lest anyone get the idea that the couple were reconciling, Elizabeth made clear to People magazine that John would be going as a father, not a husband. He'll be "an enormous help" with the children, she said, and added: "Of course, the sleeping arrangements will be different."
Glenn Bergenfield, a Princeton, N.J. lawyer and lifelong friend of both John and Elizabeth, said the pair had remained partners in raising their children. "He's been a loving and devoted dad, and despite the grief over what's happened and the regrets I'm sure he has, we all hope he continues to succeed there," he said in an interview.
He cast John's presence in Elizabeth's life and at her bedside as part of her wish to see him be the best father he can be to Jack and Emma Claire. "Whatever their personal issues were as a couple ... one thing that Elizabeth was emphatic about and at peace with was she wanted John to succeed. She wanted John to continue to be a really great father," he said.
Weyher didn't disagree. But she talked as well of the deep love she believes the two still shared. "He was the love of her life. Those feelings just don't go away. He was with her at the end. She wanted him there," she told me. As for John, "I haven't asked him to explain himself, but I don't doubt for a minute that he always loved Elizabeth. He never stopped loving her."
Now that she's gone, Weyher added, "I think he's devastated. He's functioning the best that he can for the sake of the children. But I've seen him with tears in his eyes, repeatedly. He's feeling this loss very deeply." Asked if she thought Elizabeth had forgiven him, she replied, "I do."
Over the past year, it was practicality and not sentiment that appeared to dictate Elizabeth's choices. She wanted to sell the couple's palatial 28,000-square-foot home, but her health began to decline and the family still lives there. She reportedly had divorce papers ready -- suggesting she wanted to make a clean break -- but did not file them, also because of her health. She did not shut her husband out of her life or her children's. He was going to be their sole parent when she was gone, and as her health declined, she increasingly needed his help.
Her children were foremost on her mind. As John and the children toured a ship in Japan, she unburdened herself to Josh Fryday, a former campaign aide now stationed in Japan as a JAG lawyer for the Navy. "She feared most for her children, and what would happen to them when she was gone. How would they fare without a mother?" Fryday wrote at CNN.com after her death. "She wanted to see Cate get married and watch the kids grow up."
Cate, 28, an attorney in Washington, is engaged to her longtime boyfriend, third-year medical resident Trevor Upham, Weyher said, and "they'll have their own life." Still, Bergenfield predicted "a brutal road ahead" for all family and friends, especially the two younger children. Elizabeth prepared them for her death "as well as one can," he said, and did everything she could to smooth John's path as a single father. "He's really an excellent father," he said of John. "The kids think that, and that's the beginning and the end of it."
Bergenfield was Wade's godfather and now he is Jack's. Asked about the relationship between John and Elizabeth, he returned repeatedly to their merits as parents and their partnership in raising their children. He offered no wishful or sentimental assessment of how they might have felt about each other in the end.
But maybe it's appropriate to mention here that Bergenfield was there at the beginning. He is the one who introduced John and Elizabeth to each other at law school and is even described sometimes as having talked them into going out. He says that's overstating his role. "They liked each other," he told me. "They would have found a way to each other."
They did find a way back to each other at the end, for the sake of the children.

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Tagged: cate edwards, Elizabeth Edwards, Emma Claire edwards, family, Jack Edwards, John Edwards, Wade Edwards
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33 Comments

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edlillie4

I first heard Elizabeth speak at Emory University while John was on the ticket for the vice presidency. I was thoroughly impressed with her knowledge of world affairs and her intellect. I extend my heartfelt sympathy to her family, including John. She was a portrait of beauty and brains.

December 12 2010 at 8:16 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
annie059

I would love to have the courage and the forgiveness Elizabeth had in her. I do believe John never stopped loving her. Just because a man has an affair does not mean they do not really love their wives. As awful as that sounds it is true. Sone like to play and do not consider the consequences until it is too late and so much hurt comes into the family. They are like little boys and that is what Jobn was. He never loved his mistress and certainly never wanted a child with her. But that is what happens when God's commnandments are broken. All women should realize this and not think they have found real love with a married man. The kind of woman a man wants is the one he married. I really admire Eliizabeth......

December 12 2010 at 6:32 PM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
brgnht

Sad, exceedingly so. As to all the rhetoric about John Edwards on here: I do not think he feels remorse for what he did. I think he is sorry he was caught because it ruined his career and messed up his personal life. Men like this often partner with a very giving woman like her because they are determined to get their own needs met.

December 12 2010 at 2:28 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
thefldriver

I don't understand the 'good father' part. He may have been a good father and he may work in hoping to be again, but he showed his children their value when he chose another woman and had a child with her. What did he teach his four children? I hope therapy is available to them all.

December 12 2010 at 1:35 AM Report abuse +1 rate up rate down Reply
1 reply to thefldriver's comment
GARY

I agree with you. God help them find the best therapist you can find in Chapel Hill N.C. for they will need it as they grow up and need there MOTHER'S advice in whatever they need. I know, Cate will do all that is possible to console her sister and brother when she is needed. That is the way God work. For there dad, God help him to deal with the hurt he has brought upon his famuily. Make there life come first in his taking care of them coming forward. I have been thru breast cancer, lost a daughter in a car wreck, and found a son decease in own apartment, so I can relate to some part of her life as a mother of 3 childerns. Thanks God I have a husband and a Son I can tald to when I get down. I am a Breast Cancer Suraviver.

December 12 2010 at 10:09 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
Cheryl Trunnell

Elizabeth Edwards was a courageous, brilliant woman; and her passing is tragic. However, I do not feel she warranted the martyr status much of the country has assigned to her. Many of her decisions--to continue on with the presidential race knowing of her husband's deceit and hiding her own serious health issues, seem to indicate her own ambitions (and yes, ego) were perhaps greater than her husband's. Certainly, her decisions cast doubt on whether her family's best interests were truly her top priority, and would have cast our nation in turmoil had he been elected with all the baggage & secrets which were sure to come out. I admired her, but I believe she had a public persona & a private persona. I believe it would have been difficult to live with such an intense, controlling, single-minded person. I in no way excuse her husband's infidelity and dishonesty. But it's time to give the guy a break. He made horrible decisions. We all make horrible decisions at times in our life. I'm sure he loved Elizabeth deeply, and I feel he is punishing himself enough without any further intrusions or criticisms from the rest of us. "Let he without sin cast the first stone." He sought her forgiveness, and stayed by her side until the end, even knowing he may never receive her forgiveness. The man has courage and class. He will be an excellent father to their children. And he will grieve deeply, not only for Elizabeth but also for the pain & embarrassment he caused his wife & family. And he will grieve for the relationship with his wife he knows he couldn't get back. It's time for the American public and media to give the Edwards family space; privacy to grieve; time to heal; and time to figure out how to move forward.

December 12 2010 at 12:51 AM Report abuse rate up rate down Reply
drb107

May this wonderful Lady rest in peace and i wish everyone would give John Edwards a break, he made a mistake, BUT, where was he when it counted, by her side. This man will pay for that trangression for the rest of his life, but I truly believed he loved his wife, but people fell each other sometimes, not because of hate, but because of lust. Elizabeth Edwards was truly a great woman who loved her family and life, our thoughts and wishes go out to her family.

December 11 2010 at 7:26 PM Report abuse +3 rate up rate down Reply
PoochMama4two

RIP, Elizabeth. God will comfort and protect your family.

December 11 2010 at 6:13 PM Report abuse +3 rate up rate down Reply
CNN

Just love Elizabeth Edwards,she seem to be so strong,hope i have jest a little of her strenth,GOD BLESS her and John, not easy being perfect.

December 11 2010 at 6:04 PM Report abuse +2 rate up rate down Reply
Hello Epic

This to Ms. Lawrence for wonderful, wonderful writing. Our hearts and prayers go out to the entire Edwards family one and all. She was an outstanding lady by any measure and an inspiration for all - both men and women !!!! She will be missed by all in North Carolina and beyond. Wilmington, NC

December 11 2010 at 5:45 PM Report abuse +5 rate up rate down Reply
Rosa Mama

My heart is utterly aching for that family. My adored husband died when the youngest of our 7 children were 6 months, 4 and 8 y/o. My grief, I think, was greater even more for the precious children than for my beloved. I don't know if that's true for everyone, but at least when one loses a child, as we also did, a couple still has each other.

December 11 2010 at 5:30 PM Report abuse +3 rate up rate down Reply

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