'Chinese Tiger Mother' Amy Chua -- Is Her Parenting a Form of Child Abuse?

When in the book did Chua force her 3 year old daughter to stand outside in 20 degree weather? Yes she took her daughter over to the door and opened it and threatened her with it, it was Lulu who stepped outside and refused to come back in. Which left Chua begging pleading and bribing her daughter. Amy lost that battle. Do I think she was too harsh in her parenting. Absolutely. However this was her experience in parenting, not what she was instructing others to do. In the end she admitted it didn't always work and she gave in and learned to compromise. Really is she any worse then parents who do not care if their kids do well in school, never make sure they eat a decent meal, allow them to stay up all hours of the day and night, allowed to spend hours upon hours on the internet and watching all the TV they want. That is horrible parenting as well. Obviously they are both extreme and the majority of parents fall somewhere in the middle.

Wow. As a mother, I am wondering which America I'm living in. All around me I see teenagers who do not work for anything yet demand everything that money can buy and who are incapable of taking responsibility for their own actions and choose to act like helpless victims of circumstance. And the parents who do nothing but reinforce these kinds of attitudes and behaviors because they never want to make their child feel "not good enough." I do NOT see children becoming "increasingly victims of a culture of perfectionism."

Rather, I see children becoming victims of the mentality that refuses to appreciate giftedness and excellence - that in fact is almost embarrassed by it. Shame on us for telling exceptional children that they must hide their pride in achievement in order to keep from making those who didn't achieve the same feel bad. And shame on us for not pushing our children to be the very best, for allowing them to settle for mediocrity. I find it somewhat ironic that in order to avoid making our children feel like they aren't good enough by demanding excellence from them, we tell them that they aren't good enough to be the best (i.e., not everyone can be #1) - and then somehow try to make that okay.

Similar to "Tiger Mother" I fully believe that my children CAN achieve and do not accept anything less than the best from them. While I have never refused my child a bathroom break or a meal, I do believe that I know what is best for my kids and sometimes you do have to override their own desires.

They are CHILDREN - they simply do not have the life experience to know what is best. They would eat junk food for dinner and watch TV for hours on end, rather than eat healthy vegetables and study their math homework so they can eventually go to college and get a good job. I don't see much difference between those examples and the examples Tiger Mother used such as refusing to allow a child to participate in a school play as it will interfere with their academic studies.

Furthermore, when it comes right down to it, my kids KNOW how much I love them. I even explicitly tell them that I love them too much to allow them to be helpless underachievers who never do anything they can be proud of. And as much as they might fight me, at the end of the day they feel good about *themselves when they master a new skill or get a good grade.

I saw Chua try to say that it was all a joke on tv shows, but I am sure that it was not written as a joke. Many years ago, I was waiting for my daughter's ballet class to begin and watching the class of really young girls before hers. One tiny adorable little chinese girl was still in diapers, and when the class was over, her mother yelled at her and said that she didn't think she had danced her best that day. The mother said over and over that she didn't think that she deserved to eat lunch. I was shocked. The mother keep asking her if she thought she danced well enough to deserve lunch until finally, the dance teacher, half asian herself, came over and said that she should have lunch. She danced well enough to eat lunch because she was still in diapers and food is a basic need. I was ready to report her to CPS. After that day, I realized that when all the school award ceremonies are dominated by the asian children, there is a reason why. I wanted a more balanced, happy life for my children and I never put that kind of extreme pressure on them for any reason.

I personally welcome any provocative book that elicits strong feelings, prompting conversation about raising our children. As a college consultant, I wouldn’t mind a judicious sprinkling of the Eastern approach in raising American high school students.

Parental involvement varies across the board in our society, from abject neglect to hypermanaging. Ironically, helicoptering in our culture seems more about micromanaging a kid’s resume and decisions than being engaged with the substance of learning.

By contrast, I was struck by Chua’s description of Tiger Moms’ hands-on role in their children’s academics from Day One: “It’s true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring…” We’ve all known parents who attend every soccer game, but have no idea what their student is studying in history, or what he got on the last test.

Some parents are so long on self-esteem (or ego) and so short on drive to build their child’s competencies, that they unwittingly create unrealistic expectations for college admission. The child is given a sense of entitlement to be accepted at an elite college, without the qualifications for today’s competitive college marketplace.

I could do without the harsh, in-your-face style, but Chua's belief in her children and her "get in the trenches" approach to help them build competencies can teach American parents a great deal.

I don't disagree with any of the commenters who say there are many different valid approaches to parenting. Of course there are. But I still have a big question in my head about the extreme techniques -- making your three-year-old stand out in 20 degree weather until she complies with piano lessons? Withholding water and bathroom privileges? Don't think I'll ever do that to my daughter no matter how uncompliant she is.

Why does there only have to be one correct parenting approach? Some children can handle a stricter parent with ease however some children are much more sensitive and need encouraging in order to gain confidence to do better. Cater your parenting to your child's needs instead of copying "techniques" from other parents who may or may not be successful. Chua's children may have been able to handle strict Tiger Mom but like the writer of another blog, they can end up with depression, BPD, or PTSD. Find out what works best for YOUR children.

When you look at her children and see their joy and love for their mother how can you say she is not doing a outstanding job. When I went thru Basic training in the military some of it was hard but when you get in battle it pays off. Our responsibality as parents are to train our children to be productive citizens.

Started reading this articles, and just stopped after a couple of paragraphs, saying to myself//"Why am I reading this " S..T "? I feel for the poor children , but also find myself feeling sorry for the poor woman who seems to be so abusive in her need to be totally in control. What a gift motherhood can be if used to express and experience that wonderful love that can flow back and forth between mother and child.

Our way of thinking and doing are quite different from the Asian way. That does not make it wrong or incorrect. These children are born into a culture that is high in expectation. If you watch these children as teenagers and adults, they are more reserved and respectful. This is because of their upbringing. I am certain that this mother has love for her children in disciplining them. Perhaps if we too employed some of her tactics (on a softer level, because our children are not used to this way) our children would not be commiting serious crimes in and out of school. One of the things that I find most enjoyable is their respect for their elders. Compare ours children's idea of respect to theirs. I also enjoy their humbleness, which is certainly hard to find here.

Are you nuts? Any parent that uses these tactics must be! Again, I will say as I have in the past its a shame that anyone can just have a child. This woman should be ashamed of herself. There are no "buts" or "I can see why" or its a "cultural thing" ~ its simple to see that this woman is not complete in the brain department. I feel for her offspring and I hope someone somewhere reads her book and investigates it. I will not read her book but I'm sure its not the last we will hear of it. She will be sensationalized because of extreme tactics. That is what is sad about this race we call human.