Politics Daily

Did Michael Jackson Know Too Much?

Ken Layne — 2009-06-27T08:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Scandal, Race, Ken Layne's Outrage

With the passing of the legendary dancing singer Michael Jackson, truly we are a nation challenged. But now that the tears have dried, and we are back to the crushing grind of everyday political life, it is time to ask the hard questions. Did Micheal Jackson, friend of presidents and other powerful people, simply know too much?

No musical performer before or since has had such access to the White House, with the exception of maybe Frank Sinatra and Willie Nelson. From the twin triumphant terms of the Reagan Presidency to the first Bush Administration, it seemed as if Michael Jackson was always there, always in the political limelight.

And, as history as shown so many times, it is nearly impossible to be in proximity of such power without learning some of the secrets behind this charade we call democracy, or communism, or theocracy, or whatever a particular country may practice, in terms of governing style.

When another American legend, the film director Steven Spielberg, screened his powerful blockbuster feature "The Extra-Terrestrial" to Ronald Reagan, it led to a stunning (if unverified) disclosure. Reagan reportedly said to the young movie genius: "Not a half-dozen people in this room know how true this story is."

While we do not have absolute proof that Ronald Reagan shared our alien secrets with Steven Spielberg, the official biography of Reagan -- Dutch, by Edmund Morris -- has this to say about the bizarre and frightening episode:

The President saw E.T., The Extraterrestrial at a private showing in the White House and paid the picture its finest tribute. The President had visited planetariums as a child. When the two hours and forty minutes of camera reporting at last were over, he rose from his chair and wiped his eyes. "It is," he said, "like writing history with lightning. And my only regret is that it is all so terribly true."

One can only imagine what "The Gipper" told Michael Jackson over the course of their many meetings and private correspondence.

And what might the elder George H.W. Bush have whispered to the King of Pop, during America's most dangerous era? It is easy to forget the turmoil of 1989-1993 today, because it was so long ago, but a few hours on Wikipedia can bring back terrible memories, such as the U.S. War against Panama and the Collapse of Communism and the troubling reunification of Germany. With all of these scandals, there were secrets... the kind of secrets it must have been all too tempting to share with musical genius who sang "Ben," a love song to a rat.

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Iran's Brutal Riots Have Finally Validated Twitter

Ken Layne — 2009-06-16T00:09:00+00:00

Filed under: Iran, Scandal, Ken Layne's Outrage, Foreign Policy

Since the dawn of Twitter, the annoying status-message service which allows millions to broadcast their most banal thoughts about lunch and teevee to dozens of followers, we have all awaited the moment happening right now in Iran.

We have all waited for some sort of important news event to justify our use of Twitter and Facebook, those pointless time sinks we engage instead of talking to our families, or occassionally braving our own neighborhoods.

And now, even though few of us in America have anything to do with it, big events are happening in Iran -- and a few people are using the favorite text update service of Oprah Winfrey and Newt Gingrich to share violent street news from the Iranian post-election riots.

The Harvard Twitter expert Jonathan Zittrain told the New York Times on Monday, "The qualities that make Twitter seem inane and half-baked are what makes it so powerful."

Indeed. Not since FDR changed America with the previously useless medium of radio has such an unlikely fad found a worthy purpose.

Will that purpose last? No, of course not. Just as the great heroics of early CB radio soon led to the usual prostitution and drug dealing behind truck stops, Twitter will quickly escape its brief moment of relevance. The Iranian situation will resolve, one way or another, and many thousands of excited Twitter voyeurs will quickly forget which one's got the ayatollah and which one has the war with 140,000 American troops. Who can tell, really, in the long run?

A popular post-9/11 country song proudly noted that the singer didn't know the difference between Iraq and Iran, and there's absolutely no reason to believe that will change just because of this week's big news, or because America has been fighting a terrible war in one of those countries for a half-dozen years.

In other words, Twitter is changing the way we live. Don't be shy, just sign up for a Twitter tonight. I sure did, and my life has never been better.

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Is Barack Obama Secretly a Zen Buddhist Master?

Ken Layne — 2009-06-12T15:55:00+00:00

Filed under: Religion, Scandal, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

From the angry fringe right of America, we sometimes hear confused yelling about how Barack Obama is secretly a Kenyan, or a Muslim, or an intellectual, or an elitist, or a talented writer and speaker, or a very successful man with a seemingly happy family life, or a rich and powerful leader, or a thoughtful man or even the important fictional space alien, Mr. Spock -- basically, everything that the rapidly aging and increasingly isolated Republican voter is not.

This is a tactic that says a lot more about the accuser than the accused, but there's no denying that in Barack Obama, the nation once again has an exceptional, almost otherworldly individual serving as president. And after two solid decades of bumbling Bushes and sleazy Clintons occupying the White House, the very idea of a president who is better than you is almost too weird to accept.

Yet presidents -- the good ones, at least -- are supposed to be extraordinary. Even if they came from humble beginnings, the great presidents were great because they transcended the petty squabbles and backstabbing of the political process and managed to do tremendous things, with dignity.

But Obama's actions and personality suggest he is something far more foreign to the common American than a Muslim or a Kenyan. He may actually be a Zen Master, operating on a level so far above regular people that we can only hope to gain a bit of enlightenment from his calm demeanor.

While most Americans have only learned from one master -- the wise green monster muppet "Yoda" in the Star Wars saga -- they may eventually learn mindfulness, conflict resolution and anger management from our own president of Zen.

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Is Barack Obama a Wall Street Wizard?

Ken Layne — 2009-06-01T08:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Economy, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

Barack Obama means different things to different people. Kids say he's the "cool uncle" who plays basketball and wears fancy sunglasses. Adults know him as the popular new president of the United States. And some old nuts here and there who listen to AM talk radio are certain Obama is some kind of evil space alien who will bring prosperity and education to the nation.

But few people know that Barack Obama used to be a financial researcher and business writer in Manhattan. He wrote all about his work in the investment industry in his bestselling book Dreams From My Father, but America is not exactly a country full of "book learners."

Too bad for America! Had personal investors followed Obama's stock market advice in March, they would've seen returns of more than 30% in just three months!

According to the important economic news website Marketwatch, "An investor who followed the advice the president gave on March 3 and plowed money into U.S. stocks that day would be sitting pretty now. After slumping for a few more days, the Standard & Poor's 500 Index began a ferocious rebound."

Since Obama's tip to long-term investors, the benchmark S&P shot up 32%.

Math is hard, but experts say this means if you put $10,000 into an index fund that tracks the S&P 500 on March 3, today you would have earned around $3,200 -- over just three months!

Compare that to a money market account, where you might earn a couple hundred dollars on 10K over a whole year.

How is Obama so smart about the money? It is because he follows a strange, un-American logic known as "buy low, sell high." Mixed with the equally weird philosophy of "buy and hold," the idea of purchasing equities when prices are quite low compared with earnings seems to reward investors who don't freak out over everything all the time.

But what do we call the meditative nerds who don't freak out whenever the stock market goes through one of its cyclical boom-bust flameouts? How can words describe a Freak of Nature who doesn't go insane when the 401k he won't need until 2029 drops 35% during the collapse of an all-too-common asset bubble?

These people are called "contrarians," according to Marketwatch.

Contrarians listen to Barack Obama, the friend of Warren Buffett and the Oracle of the White House.

Ken Layne is editor of Wonkette, the Washington journal of policy and finance.

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Is Gay Marriage a Threat To Our Culture?

Ken Layne — 2009-05-27T15:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Republicans, Scandal, Gay Rights, Ken Layne's Outrage

The crucial topic of gay people getting married once again made headlines this week when the California Supreme Court ruled that some gay people can stay married while others cannot become married. It's a good thing there are no pressing issues in America, or on Earth, because otherwise you could say it's sort of frivolous to be so concerned about something that affects so very few people -- people who generally live in much better neighborhoods than those simple folk who oppose the faraway homosexuals having a wedding.

Even though it's none of my business, I am also seriously worried about the implications of widespread gay marriage. Whatever this or that court or state legislature or bigoted California proposition does today, there is no doubt that homosexual weddings have gone from "Wha?!" to just another market segment of the bridal/honeymoon industry. And that scares me more than any nuclear bomb in North Korea.

Why? Because, if you haven't noticed, gays make most of our culture. They write our teevee shows and Broadway musicals and even books, for those who can still read. They are the world's entertainers, designers and bloggers. And nothing threatens the creative spirit -- which God gave primarily to homosexuals -- more than the awful tedium of marriage.

Take a look at the heterosexual married people around you. Seen any of those people playing "Your Song" in a duck suit at Central Park? I thought not.

There is, as experts have long told us, nothing as banal and soul-crushing as heterosexual marriage. While it may be a relatively safe way to keep the majority of Americans out of trouble until they're too old to do anything at all, this is no way to treat our best and brightest.

Imagine how different our world would be if hobbit legend Ian McKellen had instead chosen the artless drudgery of married life over the excitement of gay London theater! Try to envision the dull gray reality of existence if Shrek heroes Rupert Everett and Rufus Wainwright had settled for the dismal slow death of marriage instead of the spotlights of Hollywood.

Still not convinced? Then the names of these two superstars should say it all: Ellen Degeneres and Rosie O'Donnell.

Synonymous with "comedic genius" and perhaps the finest American humorists since Mark Twain, Ellen and Rosie became gay married -- although not to each other -- and ever since, all we can do is wonder what might have been.

Ellen had the top comedy sitcom teevee show at some point in the past, and we all gathered together each week on the night it was broadcast to laugh together as a national family.

Then came marriage. And like so many married people, our princess of prime time became stuck with the mouth-breathing routine of Daytime Teevee.

Rosie, too. Perhaps our finest "blue collar" comedienne of the 1980s, Rosie was the biggest star in show business. But, eventually, she too had a wedding -- and her fall was even more steep, as she went from daytime teevee to no teevee at all. Who could ever replace her on The View? Many have tried, including wacky newcomer Glenn Beck, but none have come close to her comedic skill and her passion for various new snacks.

Let's not ruin what remains of American Culture. We must keep gays from being destroyed by the living hell that is marriage.

It may already be too late, as gay scientists are said to be perfecting a time machine which would, as part of an all-inclusive wedding package, allow gay couples to travel back to their choice of weekends between July 16, 2008, and the passage of Proposition 8. For an extra fee, the happy partners would be allowed to travel back to 1977, for both a glimpse of famous New York nightlife and the chance to ritually punch Anita Bryant in the mouth.

Ken Layne is the editor of the political social networking website Wonkette in Washington D.C.

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Can We Stop Obama By Destroying Our Interstates?

Ken Layne — 2009-05-20T08:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Environment, Taxes, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

Dangerous times call for bold ideas, which is why I was so excited after reading my colleague George Will's insightful column on Tuesday about how the socialist Eisenhower government forced Americans to become drivers of automobiles because of the Interstate Highway System.

"That explains a lot," I told my secret friend who reads all the various columnists and blogs to me over the telephone.

Now, Barack Obama and his liberal Republican Transportation Secretary are trying to "improve" or "update" things we all know certainly do not need updating. If roads and trains and other such modes of transport needed "updating" all the time, why, they may as well be computers.

From improving gas mileage in cars to trying to provide health care for children, it seems there's no end to the communist designs Barack Obama and his increasingly Republican administration have for our country. And it all goes back not only to Roosevelt's "New Deal" to help people supposedly inconvenienced by the Great Depression, but also to the sinister Interstate Highway system pushed by "RINO" Dwight Eisenhower, who apparently never met a big government spending program he didn't love.

Interviewing Republican Ray LaHood, the new secretary of transportation, over a fine lunch somewhere around Washington, George Will was able to effortlessly extract a shocking admission from this Republican:

Government "promoted driving" by building the Interstate Highway System - "you talk about changing behavior."

Incredible. So, according to Will and LaHood, the Eisenhower administration colluded to force us to drive these terrible cars, on interstates. People used to happily get around on private-sector donkeys and steamboats. And then ... oh, that explains quite a lot.

While I remember the 1960s very well, as it was the "greatest generation" in which we fought important civil rights battles while enjoying the soundtrack of our era, The Beatles, I do not know what happened in the 1950s. Of course, I can look at Wikipedia as easily as some of you reading this today, if you know how to use simple parts of the Internet. But I cannot say, "Oh yes they, the government, forced me or whatever people to get in 1950s cars and go, go, go, for the Beat Generation."

Our quandary is this:

More and more, the timeline is raising the question of why, if the interstate system was to prevent public transportation, it seemed to happen mainly during the period when the Eisenhower crowd was looking for what was essentially political information to justify the building of interstates.

So if we, as a teabagging movement, were to destroy each and every government-built big-government interstate system, could we not perhaps return to the old, good America of the 18th Century, before roads and concrete? If we could no longer drive in a car on a paved highway between, say, Phoenix and Tuscon, wouldn't the Private Sector quickly build thousands of new hand-carved toll trails over the hardscrabble boulders and cactus-strewn valleys?

We are a strong country. We can remake this nation in the image of its founders. We can once again become a vast wilderness of scattered settlements connected by dangerous footpaths. Let's leave socialism where it belongs, in Canada.

Ken Layne is the editor of Wonkette, a transportation policy think tank in Washington D.C.

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Will Obama Protect the Media From Pig Flu?

Ken Layne — 2009-05-02T00:34:00+00:00

Filed under: Scandal, Media, Health Care, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

No matter what the crisis, Barack Obama and his do-gooder administration seem ready to personally save whatever is in trouble: car companies, banks, even people without jobs and people who cannot afford their house payments.

But in one crucial department, this young new president offers no solution, no bailout. When it comes to newspapers, Obama has been silent.

Now that the terrible pandemic looms over America, it is time for the president to make the hard choices and announce to the world that his first priority must be saving Washington journalists from the H1N1 flu.

How would people know about the Mexican Influenza if not for our nation's better newspapers? It was Thomas Jefferson who, so long ago, said he would rather watch everybody in the United States burn alive than see this great nation without its daily newspapers.

Thomas Jefferson didn't even like newspapers, as the periodicals of his day were almost exclusively dedicated to chronicles of his sex exploits with his slaves. And yet he knew those humble periodicals were more important to our young republic than anything else, ever.

Contrast that with this flashy new president who is so quick to perform for YouTube or minority television networks. One wonders if he even understands freedom, which is simply shorthand for "freedom of the press."

Barack Obama has one last chance to save America's newspapers. He must make a public pledge to spend all available resources on the protection of not only the news publishing industry, but the people who make it so very important.

We hear reports of schools closed because of the pandemic, and I wonder, Do schoolchildren report the news? On Friday, an airplane filled with tourists was forced to make an emergency landing in Boston because a woman onboard was sick with flu-like sympotms. And I wondered, Does she write an op-ed column for one of our better newspapers?

As the nation "flips out" over this latest epidemic, the Twitters and the MySpaces and the iPhones and the Sega Dreamcasts are curiously silent about the only thing that really matters to Democracy. American newspapering is in peril, and it is a crisis far more tragic than any dozen global pandemics over recorded history.

How many newspapers have died in America, just since the new year? Four, five, nine? Whatever the number, it is that number too many.

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Could Surgeon General Save U.S. From Flu?

Ken Layne — 2009-04-25T22:52:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Featured Stories, Health Care, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

While news of the swine flu epidemic shocked Americans on Friday, my thoughts turned to the empty Surgeon General's office in Washington.

Who will help us, I wondered. Who will tell us "It's okay."

And then, as so many Americans do when they are frightened, I turned to the cable news. And I waited for the comforting words from Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

A dashing, handsome doctor, Gupta is the medical professional we all wish we could afford, if we had more money. And not so long ago, as our nation turned the page on a new era, it looked as if Dr. Sanjay might become America's next and greatest Surgeon General.

Regardless of personal politics, every citizen felt a surge of pride in January, as we saw barriers about to fall forever: An Indian-American, as this nation's top medical authority. I honestly thought I wouldn't live to see the day.

And I still haven't.

For reasons both obscure and petty, the powers that be were not ready to allow Sanjay Gupta the keys to the finest suite at the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps.

There are even some who say Dr. Gupta preferred his "family and career" to a presidential appointment.

What family could compare to the family of medical professionals who constitute our nation's best doctors? What career could compare to one in which the required costume includes golden rope braids upon a lordly jacket reminiscent of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band?

We may never know what intrigue occurred behind the scenes, but we do know this: As the biggest health crisis in America's recent history breathes its foul air upon our nation's lungs, there is nothing but an "acting" Surgeon General to protect us from the awful bird-pig sickness.

When the king or queen calls a subject to service, then that is simply what happens -- you did not hear Sir Paul McCartney complaining about being too busy recording his next hit album to accept Queen Elizabeth's knighthood.

We should expect no different of a cable-news celebrity of the caliber of Dr. Sanjay Gupta. As the mysterious influenza threatens the calm seas of the United States, the nation's Surgeon General in Waiting must take command of this ship of state.

Ken Layne is the managing editor of Wonkette.com, the Washington political website.

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Should Anti-Obama People Be Allowed To 'Blow Off Steam'?

Ken Layne — 2009-04-21T00:54:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Featured Stories, Religion, Scandal, Race, Social Security, Ken Layne's Outrage, 2012 President

A recent article in my favorite magazine, a British newsweekly we all know as The Economist, noted something I myself had not yet noticed in America. Apparently, there are some voters who do not pay the proper respect to their newly elected ruler, President Barack Obama.

Is it simply racial predjudice? No, of course not. Nothing is quite so simple. Yet perhaps racial intolerance is but one of many "factors," as Bill O'Reilly might say, within the small yet noisy anti-Obama movement. It is certainly not for me to judge.

There are two parts to this fringe culture, according to The Economist: Some U.S. social conservatives of lesser means are simply frustrated by the rapidly widening gap between a very small group of extremely wealthy elitists and the vast unhappy 80% of the country which cannot afford our finer restaurants and country clubs, while another group hopes to bring the quaint and pleasant English tradition of "afternoon tea" back to a nation which has, in large part, become barbaric.

During the Reagan administration, our rulers at the White House decided we needed to renew the "special relationship" with the United Kingdom. As a result, both London and Washington embarked on a bold crusade to push back against modern social security and government largess -- and the "middle class" of the nostalgic old American Dream era of post-war prosperity was rather quickly put back in the pages of history.

Since then, over those long three decades, we have watched as the bottom classes found one devil or another to complain about, even as so many of our less well-off fellow citizens turned ever more to traditional pursuits of the unskilled labor pool, such as watching stock-car races or the collecting of Confederate Flags or Beanie Babies or the viewing the "reality telly" shows in which attractive people pretend to exist and struggle within the "reality" of the tragic masses. In important ways, this mirrors Mother England, where the lower classes are not much involved in the business of politics.

But, about these "Obama Haters." They are apparently led by the CNN star Glenn Beck. I have not heard of him, but my tastes run more toward the BBC. His gimmick, they say, is to imitate the character from the classic 1970s comedy Network. If so, good for him and kudos on his success. But does he base his "shtick" on unsavory recollections of our shameful national past?

One can say, "Oh let them blow off steam however they like, it's better than having them organize a union and demand a higher wage or beg for medical benefits!" And while I certainly see that point, something in the back of my mind makes me wonder: Is this the best we can do? Could we not find another, less ugly diversion for those who simply need a minor distraction as salve for the endless disappointment of the workaday life?

I have encountered other suggestions, perhaps not so forgiving as my own. At pleasant dinner parties in Georgetown, I've heard people speak of "turning off the Internet." Would that we could! But the barriers seem insurmountable, as the Internet is where so many people now get their television programs and the pornography to help them through lonely times and wilted prospects. Take away their windows to a fantasy life, and what is left? I am not enthused about hearing them gathered outside my townhouse.

Let's try another method: Let these people burn away their anger in the most impotent way. Let them mail gift boxes of fine teas to their rulers, as "hints" that perhaps even our worse off deserve a second glance. Let them type as best they can type, on the Internet, about their discomfort with the current administration and this handsome intellectual president with the exotic international pedigree. Jealousy is a cruel mistress.

And yet, when we look back at this moment, eight or twelve years from now, I believe we'll smile, and perhaps hum a bit of When I'm Sixty-Four.

Ken Layne is the syndicated columnist from Wonkette.com, the Washington website of ideas.

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Why Is the Obama Administration Seizing Our Tea Bags?

Ken Layne — 2009-04-10T14:01:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Featured Stories, Economy, Nancy Pelosi, Scandal, Budget, Taxes, Race, Ken Layne's Outrage

In the midst of an unprecedented economic tidal wave, the U.S. government has chosen a most peculiar form of "big government" shakedown. From across the country, we are hearing that Congress is collecting our tea bags.

The lower classes and uneducated swarms seem to be the primary target for this "collection by coercion," in which the Senate and House of Representatives have dug in their heels and embarked on a crusade to take all the tea bags from our most humble citizens.

This, I am sure, smacks of an unconstitutional power grab. If the government can take our tea, what will they take next?

Our homes? Our jobs? Our 401ks?

When will this madness stop?

The stories in our better newspapers, as I've understood them, involve a bizarre government demand sent "under the radar" to the poorer people via AM talk radio and the right-wing medium of blogs, such as the Drudge Report.

Instructions? They could not be more plain: "Send all of your tea to Congress, care of your representative or senator."

It's almost as if some terrifying replay of the Boston Tea Party is happening, before our eyes, but this time through the U.S. Mail.

That the government -- this travesty of government as envisioned by Barack Obama, a literal child when compared to most of us -- would play this sort of trickery upon an unsuspecting population is, at worst, immoral.

While the upper classes enjoy almost unlimited access to the most expensive teas and tea-making accessories, for many Americans of less extravagant means, that dusty box of Lipton teabags up there in the pantry with the Hamburger Helper and scone mix is the closest thing to luxury they will ever experience. These are people who, for the most part, spend their days slurping a bitter black brew from the unemployment office urn -- they are, to be frank, meager coffee drinkers.

Tea is, to wit, an urbane and sophisticated beverage. I particularly enjoy "a little cup o' Lipton" when perusing the great books I keep in my personal library. There is nothing quite like reading the prose of our finest authors while sipping daintily from my Queen Elizabeth Jubilee tea mug, which I purchased so many years ago In England, not far from the storied "Abbey Road" recording studio owned by the Beatles.

I simply do not care for coffee.

I am, today and always, a teabagger. And I stand with the other teabaggers, as our nation struggles through very, very dark times. It will not be the first crisis for America -- I remember previous problems. I remember.

But if we stand firm, and refuse to send our tea to the government, we, too, shall prevail.

Ken Layne is the syndicated op-ed columnist from Wonkette, in Washington DC.

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Why Won't Obama Honor Our Queen?

Ken Layne — 2009-04-04T00:26:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Featured Stories, Economy, Scandal, Gaffes, Gay Rights, Terror, Ken Layne's Outrage, National Security

Not for nothing was Barack Obama called to London. Queen Elizabeth II invited him. One does not go to Buckingham Palace, one of the Queen's many castles, unless one is invited.

And so, history was made this week when America's current president had the special opportunity of an audience with our Queen. What did he do? He brought his wife, who has arms, and he brought a computer musical device called "the I-pod."

He may as well have brought a message of war against England.

The president's presumptuousness most certainly did not stop with the poison gift of the I-pod. Instead of holding tape recordings of quality music from Great Britain, rumor has it this device was filled with 30 gigabytes (or, a half hour's worth) of sexual American music by the likes of Barry White or Boz Scaggs, with perhaps a sleazy helping of disco fornication music by this Beyonce, or Miley Cyrus.

I may not be the target audience for today's Disney Channel, but I certainly remember quality music: the Beatles. This was the music of important civil rights battles, and I remember. I remember.

Why wouldn't the president put the Beatles music on his Queen's I-Pod? There is more than enough Beatles music to fill the half-hour -- I personally have more than a dozen Beatles albums, each with at least a half-hour's music. I'm no AIG accountant, but by my calculations that is more than six hours of the finest British pop music.

The Queen is no stranger to the Beatles. She was, as I remember, also the Queen when the Beatles were still making their magic, in the 1960s. In fact, this very same Queen Elizabeth gave the British Empire's highest honor to the Beatles. Few will ever forget the excitement of seeing John, Paul and the others receive this award, the "MIB."

Ever since, there's been something special about the relationship between Great Britain and the Beatles.

But try telling that to Barack Obama, who was doing the Hula Hula as a child when my generation gathered 'round the record player to hear those first notes of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band. There was a picture of our Queen right on the album cover, which should come as no surprise considering one of the record's greatest songs mentions how the Beatles have "a picture in their pockets of the Queen."

The outrages didn't end with this I-pod scandal, of course -- not with these Obamas, these loose cannons. Before the night was over, First Lady Michelle Obama was all but french-kissing our Queen, which is against the royal protocols and could well see Mrs. Obama censured by the Crown. One must ask, is Buckingham Palace the home of royalty or some Girls Gone Wild lesbian boudoir?

There was hardly time to contemplate this disaster at the Royal Court, as the Obamas were off to their next stop -- a town hall meeting. Was this town hall meeting in America, where our citizens struggle to compete against America's worst car companies, in Detroit? No, not at all.

The town hall meeting was in France.

Ken Layne is the syndicated op-ed columnist from Wonkette, in Washington DC.

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Does Barack Obama Hate Our Important Newspapers?

Ken Layne — 2009-03-28T16:20:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Scandal, Media, Obits, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

It was another grim week for the newspaper business, with lesser-known newspapers closing down to little notice or consequence, even as our most important newspapers experienced the bitter sting of salary freezes and a few layoffs.

As the forces of modern corporate anti-newspaper life continue to wreak havoc on the very skeleton of our democracy and our nation, a new Enemy Within has been discovered -- and he is within the White House press briefing room.

He is the president himself, and also his press secretary. These two Americans, if you can call them that, are single-handedly destroying what is literally the only thing worth saving in America: newspaper printed on tree pulp.

First, the tally of regional newspapers shut down as a result of the financial banking scandal and "what me worry" attitudes of young idiots who do not understand the necessity of having to find a soggy newspaper full of three-day-old AP stories and "going out of business" furniture store advertisements in the neighbor's driveway each morning: The presses at the Rocky Mountain News, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Tuscon Citizen, Christian Science Monitor, and LA CityBeat have all been shuttered in recent weeks.

You may not be familiar with these newspapers, but chances are they employed many of our younger print journalists, working hard for that "step up" to the big leagues. These shuttered newspapers surely served their particular communities in some way. Even the hip-hop newspaper, The Blender, has gone out of business -- what will inner-city children read now? Nothing.

We have been down this road before.

The most tragic news about the business of newspapering, this week, came from the corporate offices of two of our nation's finest newspapers, the New York Times and of course the Washington Post. For whatever reason, there will be some layoffs, and a devastating 5% pay cut for those who remain. The job cuts will mostly come from the production and online divisions, thank goodness, but one mustn't be paranoid to consider the likelihood that even the Washington Post newsroom may someday see blood.

It was Thomas Jefferson, himself a resident of Washington at one point, who asked the stirring question which launched the American Revolution: "Whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government?" He chose America.

One wonders about the choices being weighed within the secret rooms of the White House where this new president, Barack Obama, and his sinister press secretary scheme within a darkness unilluminated by newspapers.

Last week, this president -- a mere child in diapers when my generation was enjoying civil rights and the Beatles -- hosted a press conference that was a vulgar deformation of the term. Instead of taking questions from the White House reporters from our most important newspapers, Obama led a rudderless free-for-all in which seemingly any miscreant who wandered in off the street could pose a question to the leader of the free world.

As the nation waited in increasing agitation for America's president to converse with our best journalists, he gleefully pointed to almost anyone -- a Mexican, a military reporter! -- until, spent by this frenzy, he turned away from the gathered Fourth Estate and strode down the hall. I simply do not care for his attitude.

Asked later about this outrage, press secretary Robert Gibbs snidely mocked the professional journalist who so proudly demanded an answer as to why this new president had disrupted a well-established pecking order so crucial to democracy.

Offered a follow-up question, this White House correspondent for none other than the Washington Post demanded to know why, behind America's back, this administration had apparently changed either the model or location of the "teleprompter," which is a machine presidents and anchormen use to read their important remarks.

Gibbs did nothing short of attacking this newspaper reporter for asking the hard questions. Was she a woman? Yes, but that is hardly an excuse to make a fool of someone, at least when they work for an important newspaper.

Here's an idea for these interlopers running wild in the White House: Make this president read his prepared remarks from a printed newspaper. Only then might America realize the slippery slope on which it slides upon.

Ken Layne is a syndicated columnist for the Washington political publication Wonkette.

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Marijuana In the White House Garden?

Ken Layne — 2009-03-21T00:49:00+00:00

Filed under: Scandal, Media, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

Washington was in a tizzy Friday as the new first lady, Michelle Obama, broke ground on a White House garden -- the first serious garden at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue since World War II, when Eleanor Roosevelt began the FDR Victory Garden.

There is quite a lot of difference between then, the era of the Greatest Generation, and today. From what I've heard, this new Obama Garden will be "organic."

This, to my ears, sounds like these Obamas are planning no less than a marijuana garden, just steps from our nation's Executive Mansion.

In the decades before my generation, America was all about hard work and being tough. We -- or they, I should say -- did not plant marijuana in the White House garden. First of all, only the Roosevelts lived at the White House. The rest lived in other places, mostly hovels and "hobo jungles." But we, or they, had great dignity. You did not hear about them going to see Jay Leno, not at all.

Marijuana did not become illegal in the United States until the first decades of the 20th Century, when Mexicans came to this country. Fearful of the "loco weed" these Mexicans carried with them across the new border, American legislators began passing laws against the weed, which was said to cause both insanity and sex crime.

Unfair? Yes. Racially intolerant? Such is the history of this nation.

But prohibition is hardly a prudent approach in this current year, when statistics show most Americans of all backgrounds are "getting high" as they have since the 1960s, the decade of civil rights and the Beatles, when my generation fought important battles.

Times have changed, of course, and today I would no more support the sex crimes of a marijuana fanatic than I would support the growing of "ganja" at the White House, or at AIG. But as the new Attorney General, Eric Holder, has made it national policy to let medical professionals give marijuana to people in free states such as California, it seems certain that the times really are a-changin'.

Note to Readers: My secretary mailed me a request about "Twitter," which is apparently a new technology in which one types notes to friends and colleagues, using a mobile phone. I do not care for this idea.

In my day, notes were scrawled by hand on small spiral-bound Reporter's Notebooks, which were issued exclusively to credentialed journalists in the nation's best newsrooms. You would no more send a message via your mobile telephone than you would write a critical opinion of a television personalty on the business channel.

These twitters are a vulgar breach of our best instincts. Keep your twits. I will continue to cherish the blessed realities of the real world -- the taste of de-caf coffee, the smell of the neighbor's rose garden, the tug of a child's hand as it tries to get away.

Ken Layne is a syndicated columnist for the Washington political website Wonkette.

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Barack Obama Finally Makes History, Will Appear On Funnyman Jay Leno's Talk Show

Ken Layne — 2009-03-16T23:48:00+00:00

Filed under: Democrats, Barack Obama, Economy, Education, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

Say what you want about Barack Obama, but there's one thing absolutely nobody can argue with ever again: Our new president will make History this week when he becomes the very first U.S. president to be a guest on legendary late-night teevee sensation Jay Leno's television program.

Many Americans will get their "first look" at the president during this program which usually comes on after the local sports broadcast. What will they think?

More than a few people will be shocked by Barack Obama's appearance -- fans of Jay Leno tend to think everyone has a weird protruding jaw and scary white hair.

But sleepy teevee viewers will have questions other than, "Who is this handsome young man with the symmetrical skull shape?"

Does this Obama, for example, have a famous wife who appears on the covers of People and US Weekly?

Yes He Does!

His wife, in fact, is famous celebrity magazine cover person Michelle Obama. It's no coincidence they have the same name -- they're married to each other! (The curious may be surprised to learn these Obamas share not only a name, but some children, and a house in the nation's capital.)

Another surprise for Jay Leno fans will come when President Obama fails to bring a "clip" from his recent movie which he would like you to go see on Friday. Barack Obama doesn't have a movie coming out.

In a "twist" on the usual request for audience members to spend their money on the guest's new movie or CD or other product, Barack Obama is expected to talk about how he -- his government, actually, in faraway Washington DC -- is actually giving money to the viewers of the show.

It is bound to be a very exciting night for America's watchers of television programs.

But history lovers should not expect Barack Obama to set any records by becoming the first black guest on the Tonight Show. Nobody knows who achieved that goal, or when it happened. But by 1963 black guests were so common on the show that comedian Bill Cosby could only make history by becoming the first black guest host.

Ken Layne writes about different programs on the teevee for the television-listings weekly Wonkette.

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Greatly Depressing: Will USA Go Communist?

Ken Layne — 2009-03-09T00:23:00+00:00

Filed under: Featured Stories, Economy, Ron Paul, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

People "from all walks of life" are lining up for donated bread in San Diego, 11% of U.S. mortgages are either late or in foreclosure, 8.3 million homeowners owe more than their house is worth, unemployment hasn't been so awful since 1948, 20% of Los Angeles County residents are on Public Assistance, 12.5 million jobless Americans are actively looking for work, and 84,000 homes in Maryland will have the power turned off next month due to lack of payment.

Will angry, hungry people rise up in revolution? Will the unemployed, bloated masses get off their sofas, turn off the teevees and launch a violent overthrow of the capitalist system?

Are working Americans ready to take the country back from Barack Obama and his team of Wall Street-Ivy League fat cat investment bankers?

Ha, right.

When "revolution" means putting a Ron Paul sticker on your gas-guzzling luxury tank or forwarding YouTube links to that CNBC stock jobber yelling about poor people having a roof over their heads, you can rest assured "angry Americans" will continue doing nothing more "radical" than sitting in their cars in the parking lot outside the Jack in the Box, listening to Rush Limbaugh and eating jalapeno poppers instead of looking for a job, like their wives keep telling them to do, or else.

The lasting effects of this Great Recession will be much worse than previous American downturns. With American manufacturing and retail and construction going into permanent retreat, a lot of these lost jobs will never come back. Whole regions of the United States are finished, economically -- those far-flung sunbelt exurbs of exurbs that existed solely on cheap credit and the housing boom's outrageously inflated prices will just die, forever, and the auto-industry cities will become ghost towns.

Even in the miserable depths of the 1930s' Great Depression, there wasn't much taste for a violent overthrow of the capitalist system. And if the lean, hungry Americans of that era couldn't get it together, there is very little chance today's bloated couch potatoes are going to do anything at all -- except whine, on the Internet.

When leftist American writers traveled the country in the 1930s, they thought there would be radical groups in every ruined farm town, ready to storm Washington and New York and seize the means of production. Instead, the people were baffled and beaten. Just getting by was hard enough.

Communist revolutions usually come from the top down, anyway. The poor workers at the bottom just get pushed around into whatever system the elitist tough guys decide to put in place. Obama and his Wall Street elitists are safe.

Ken Layne writes for workers newspapers such as Newer Socialism Review and Wonkette.

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And Now You Know ... He's Dead

Ken Layne — 2009-02-28T23:54:00+00:00

Filed under: Republicans, Fred Thompson, Featured Stories, Media, Obits, Ken Layne's Outrage

He had a face for radio and the political compass of the Inquisition. Born to a long line of Baptist preachers, he became the biggest snake oil salesmen of them all. Although known as a full-bore right wing nut, he broke with Nixon on Cambodia and (so he claimed) Joe McCarthy on some minor point or another.

His father was murdered by a gang of highwaymen, in 1921. He himself was arrested by federal police in 1951 -- for inexplicably trying to break into Argonne National Laboratory, a federal atomic research facility in Illinois.

But that wasn't the end for this weird American. His radio show and segments would be heard nationwide for another six decades. His name was ... Paul Harvey. And now you know ... he's dead.

The legendary American broadcaster died early Saturday at his winter home in Phoenix. He was 90 years old.

Paul Harvey's dad really was a Baptist preacher who really was murdered by a gang of thugs when Paul was just three years old. And Paul Harvey really was arrested for trying to break into a nuke lab -- he supposedly did it as a radio stunt, to show how the Commies could get inside Illinois federal facilities or something.

Harvey started his radio career in Oklahoma and began working for ABC in Chicago, in 1944. With the help of his producer and wife, Lynne Harvey, he became a national broadcaster eventually heard on more than 1,200 stations.

The best thing about Paul Harvey -- humble old Paul Harvey with his solid family life and one (just one!) wife who was with him until her death in 2007 -- is that his peak audience was millions bigger than Rush Limbaugh's largest audience.

Fat sex-creep Rush peaked with 20 million listeners in 2003 (all downhill since then!), while Paul Harvey peaked with 22 million. And while Paul Harvey was long mocked by hipsters and comedians, he sure wasn't hated. In fact, Paul Harvey was one of the most admired people in America for half a century.

Rush Limbaugh is despised by most Americans, while his only fans are mouth-breathing angry losers.

So, farewell, Paul Harvey. Farewell to your odd little stories, outrageously twisted wingnut version of current events, and the commercials you wove so seamlessly into your "news" that the old and feeble-minded could never really tell if those mattresses and mail-order radio sets were part of the day's headlines or not.

Ken Layne is executive director of the Radio Legends Museum of North America. He transcribes old news broadcasts for Wonkette, the history monograph.

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Is God To Blame For America's Collapse?

Ken Layne — 2009-02-24T16:10:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Religion, State of the Union, Ken Layne's Outrage, Predictions, Obama Administration

In hard times, people often turn to booze or religion or Snuggies or whatever, because of the tragic need for numbing comfort.

So it's no surprise that during this awful new Great Depression, many Americans are experimenting with Christianity and its holy books, such as the "Left Behind" adventure novels.

What does the author of the popular paperbacks have to say about the terrible decline of the United States? And what do Christian "Megachurch" preachers have to say as far as predicting the impending apocalypse? The answer may terrify you!

While the words "Southern California" may suggest a sunny land of sexy girls in bikinis and movie stars picking up hookers on Hollywood Boulevard, that is only a small part of the region's charms. Most of Southern California is actually a grim, sun-blasted stucco wasteland of foreclosed McMansions and gargantuan suburban churches where evangelicals go to hear preachers, dance to "Christian Rock" and even pick up a tasty Subway sandwich at actual food courts within the church's own mall.

This is the world of insanely popular Christian performer Rick Warren, the little pudgy fellow with the goatee and more money than even Ben Bernanke could imagine. Another huge SoCal church chain is the "Calvary Chapel" brand, which you can find everywhere from run-down rural areas in the Mojave Desert to gleaming new indoor stadiums in the better-off parts of Orange County.

It was at a fancy Calvary Chapel in the SoCal exurb of Chino that the Southern California Prophecy Conference was held last weekend. What an event!

Tim LaHaye, co-author of the "Left Behind" series, told the crowd that the world is very close to coming to a very terrible end, and America's financial collapse is one of the main signs! That is some exciting stuff -- you're not just losing your job and your house and your future, but you won't even need a future, because Jesus is coming back to kill us all.

"We're closer than we've ever been," LaHaye said. "I'm trying to rescue people to Christ before it's too late."

Oklahoma Pastor Mark Hitchcock also spoke at the prophecy convention, and whoa boy did he ever put the "fear of god" into the crowd. Hitchcock has discovered that there's no mention of the United States in the entire Bible. Think about that for a moment -- if a collection of Middle Eastern religious texts put together about 1,700 years ago doesn't talk about the USA, a country founded a little over two centuries ago, it is pretty clear that God and Jesus don't think much of this country. In fact, they hate it!

"The question is, why are we not mentioned?" Hitchcock told the Christians. "To me, that the greatest economic power in history is not mentioned in the Bible is significant."

He notes that with Christianity still popular in some parts of America, a catastrophic event called "the Rapture" will literally suck all of those Christians off ... right off the face of the planet Earth. Where they'll end up is anybody's guess -- "the Rapture" isn't in the Bible, either -- but the fact of the matter is, America will have a lot less people. And that will mean the national population (and the national waistline, ha ha) will dramatically decrease.

Islam will then take over the Earth, the end. Watch for details tonight, in Barack Obama's speech to his Congress.

"Joe six-pack has a sense something is happening," Pastor Hitchcock said at the prophecy meeting. "You don't have to be politically astute."

How true! Just read the comments below for solid proof.

Ken Layne was graduated from the Yale Higher College of Divinity in 1963. He publishes new translations from the Greek texts in the theology journal Wonkette.

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Happy Washington's Birthday, George Washington!

Ken Layne — 2009-02-16T00:20:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Featured Stories, Ron Paul, Obits, Race, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

If you're wondering why you are home today, on a Monday, it's probably because this is our national celebration holiday of George Washington's birthday! (You may also be unemployed.)

Was this man, George Washington, truly our greatest president? No, not at all! Most historians put him in the "Top 50," at best. But he was the first president, of America, and for that we honor his service to our country.

A funny thing to consider on this holiday is how President Washington might react to seeing Barack Obama in the White House. Washington would probably just think a slave had wandered off from the kitchen, by mistake, and then the Father of Our Country would order 50 lashings or something, and then somebody would sort of awkwardly say, "Ah dude we don't have slavery anymore," and Washington would sort of raise one eyebrow.

George Washington was born on a farm somewhere in about 1776, during the Revolutionary War. Before long, he did verily slew many Indians and Frenchmen. But after years of confusion, the Founding Fathers finally wrote the U.S. Constitution, which made General Washington the first president.

Even today, we remember him.

But why do we remember him? This is a more difficult question.

For one thing, Washington was very tall. He was the tallest man around, and yet he was also a talented dancer. He basically never said anything, which was important for his legacy, as people assumed he must be thinking very profound thoughts.

But, from his own journals and surviving correspondence, we now know that he was mostly interested in complaining to merchants about how he was always getting ripped off. Washington spent the rest of his time trying to sell real estate in Ohio, which he won in the wars, and complaining about how expensive it was to feed, clothe and house all of his slaves -- even though maybe 30% of the slaves actually did work, as the rest were either old people or little kids.

As a joke, many states also celebrate Abraham Lincoln's birthday today.

Ken Layne is a senior research fellow with the Mount Vernon Institute and publisher of Wonkette, the historical quarterly.

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Your Guide To Profiting From Obama's Package

Ken Layne — 2009-02-09T18:21:00+00:00

Filed under: Barack Obama, Economy, Ken Layne's Outrage, Obama Administration

Did you hear about the Economy? Pretty bad, it sounds like! Luckily, we just got a new president who will fix everything -- but not for everybody.

It stands to reason that Republican voters won't get a dime from the Economic Stimulus Package. If we've learned anything from the Bible, it's that losers have to be punished. So, most Republicans will either starve to death over the next 12 years, in special jails, or they'll convert! (You can learn more about conversion here, in the Bible.)

What about for the rest of us, America's Winners? We'll all profit mightily from the Economic Stimulation Package, but it's best to keep the real perks sort of secret. Remember how angry people got when that one company, AIG, had a fancy party even though it took government bailout billions?

Here are some handy tips from the Treasury Department about living in style during Hard Times:

Get a food-garden cover for your new swimming pool: A lot of people won't even have anything to eat, so "food gardens" will become a popular thing in America's yards. You can avoid unnecessary criticism of your beautiful new Stimulus Pool with a whimsical cover that looks like a real vegetable farm.

Wear Depression Costumes when forced to interact with poor people: Sure, you want to show off that new Tiffany sterling-silver hat you got from the Economic Recovery Plan, but it might be a bit ostentatious to wear such a thing around people forced to use old hazardous-waste bags for clothing. Do the "right thing" and keep a whimsical Depression costume ready for unsavory encounters -- it's a traditional barrel with straps that you simply put on over your fashionable outfits, and like everything it is provided free, by the government, if you ask for it.

Shop by Mail: The bitter mob can't follow you home from Neiman Marcus if you never actually go there! Not only is Free Shipping included with the administration's new Stimulus Prime program, but you can request night delivery for no additional charge!

For more tips, watch Barack Obama's prime-time speech tonight, on the teevee! To see the secret messages, make sure the Closed Captioning 2 channel is activated, and don't tell anybody!

Ken Layne is the editor of the luxury shopping catalog Wonkette. He lives in a golden castle.

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Forget the Steelers, Because GOP Sex Symbol Michael Steele Is America's Champion

Ken Layne — 2009-02-01T22:13:00+00:00

Filed under: Republicans, Barack Obama, Featured Stories, Race, Ken Layne's Outrage

America's vast losing class wasted Sunday in a corn syrup/Bud Lite stupor while ordering Pizza Hut chicken wings off their foreclosed neighbor's Discover card and watching some dull televised contest between heavily-padded hired slobs, but the real Super Bowl was on Friday -- an epic battle between Americans and the Muslim world, settled after six ballots when the nation's first African-American former lieutenant governor from Maryland hit a "home run" and became chairman of the Republican Party.

Yes We Can!

Michael Steele, a black person the Republicans found somewhere, was elected leader of the Republican National Committee on Friday, after a daylong battle against traditional Republican party leaders (middle-aged white guys who dream of somehow owning slaves). America is healed.

Steele's victory is especially poignant because his main rival was an actual South Carolina plantation owner from one of those "whites only" golf clubs for the white racists.

This confederate country clubber, Katon Dawson, hoped to bring the party back to its White Power roots, but he was narrowly defeated by this legendary civil-rights leader, after hours and hours of grim-faced balloting by the RNC. This painful banquet-room contest between pinched-face cretins was, without doubt, the worst C-SPAN broadcast of all time.

But it was also hilarious, because it was grim evidence of the Republican Party's total collapse. These angry losers are going to finish tearing each other apart long before they have a coherent thought about competing in national politics again.

The embarrassment continued over the weekend, as the party's last celebrity -- dingbat Alaskan anger bear and human trainwreck Sarah Palin -- failed to show up at the GOP's congressional retreat in Hot Springs, Virginia.

Worse yet, Palin lied to the GOP congressional leadership, claiming she needed to stay in Alaska for whatever reason, maybe to get high and watch the Super Bowl while eating Taco Bell and bidding for some Shrek Beanie Babies on eBay.

Instead, she was at the elitist Washington D.C. rich & powerful "Alfafa Dinner," with her hero Barack Obama. They laughed it up, toasted to the good times, and probably did some kind of "When Harry Met Sally" skit. So cute! Even old John McCain was there, working the coat check.

Asked about the Republican wingnut darling Sarah Palin deliberating deceiving the GOP congressional leadership and skipping this dumb retreat for a sexy dinner with Barack Obama, House Republican leader John Boehner said, "Whatever."

Ken Layne is coach for the Arizona Rednecks, a "strip-mall sex-soccer" team in the Western Regional League. His sports commentary appears daily at Wonkette, the nation's football blog.

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